Cruise Control

I have gone on sort of a cruise control in my life for the last two years.  In November of 2011 I began serving as ministry leader for the Celebrate Recovery ministry at my church.  Since that time I have been blessed to grow tremendously in my own recovery and to see the miraculous changes God has made in the lives of many men and women who "keep coming back" each week.  As a leader I have had to do some things that are well outside of my comfort zone, things that have challenged me in the area of codependency, control, and relating with people in general.  All in all it has been an extraordinary journey.  However, I feel as if I have settled into a groove and gotten comfortable with where I am in my spiritual journey.  I do understand that a lot of ministry work is simply mundane, day-to-day activities that have to be accomplished, and I do those things with the joy of the Lord.  However, I cannot help but think about Jesus' own words about those who are led by the Spirit when he says in John 3:8, "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit."  Jesus uses this analogy as part of his explanation to Nicodemus about how to be born again.  A life led by the Holy Spirit is one of exciting spontaneity, twists and turns, but always secure in the love of the Father.  I have experienced some of that excitement, but I long to be surrendered to my Lord in such a way that I accept the unexpected as the expected.  I do not want to go through the motions and get in a rut, but rather live on the edge of my routine, always walking with Jesus with the joy of anticipation. That is one of the things that stands out to me in the gospels: how the disciples immediately left what they were doing when they were called and followed Jesus wherever He went, not knowing in most cases where they were going or what they would be doing. I believe that that is the type of life God has called me to and my prayer for the year 2014 is to live my life in that way.  May Jesus be in control of the steering, the accelerator, and the brakes in my life.

Merry Christmas!

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. (John 17:3, NASB)

My purpose in life is to know God and to make Him known; to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others as I love myself.  I often get caught up in the "other things" of life, a plethora of daily activities most of which are necessary to live out this life here on earth.  But all that is really required is my relationship with Jesus.  I am not saying that those other things are bad in and of themselves, indeed they are necessary, but when they become the focus at the expense of the greater thing (my personal relationship with Jesus), then they become evil, or at the very least, meaningless endeavors.

With each new day I become more acutely aware of my need for Jesus.  Spending time with Him in Bible reading, prayer, and self-examination is not a luxury I allow myself or a simple ritual, rather it is basic.  It is where I gain the strength to follow His will.  It is where I experience God's transforming power in my life; the power to forgive, to love, to show mercy, to walk in the Spirit so I do not carry out the desire of the flesh.  My sponsor reminded me a few days ago that all I have to offer God is brokenness; that is the only acceptable sacrifice I can offer God. I can't offer Him my flesh hoping that somehow it will change into something good.  God has made it clear that there is nothing good in me, in my flesh.  I can and should offer God my body as alive from the dead but under the control and direction of the Holy Spirit.  The Bible says I should offer the members of my body to Him as instruments of righteousness to be used by God for His purposes.  I am still learning and re-learning that my life is not my own, that I was bought with a price.  My flesh relentlessly seeks to satisfy itself with no regard for God or others.  Actively, consciously, and continually turning control of my life over to God is the answer.  This is difficult! No, it is impossible except by the grace of Almighty God.  It is a gift from His hands just as much as salvation through Jesus Christ is a free gift of His grace.

My prayer is for more of God's grace to be able to do what is required of me in every area of this life with which God has blessed me.  May everything that I think, say, and do bring Him glory.  During this Christmas season I continue to accept God's most precious gift to me, His Son, Jesus the Christ.  He is the greatest gift I have ever received and my heart says "Thank You!"

Holy Sexuality (Batman)!

This post is from the Exodus International Blog dated September 27, 2012

Holy Sexuality (Batman)!

Am I Convinced of the Love and Goodness of God?

It is a very important question.  For me, the question easily could have been "Am I convinced of the love and goodness of my wife, my father, my friends?"  My wife and I during a recent argument (which I like to refer to as "passionate discussions") discussed this very issue as it related to us.  The honest answer for me was, no I am not 100% convinced of the love anyone says they have for me, not 100% of the time.  The reason I say that is that my actions indicate that I am not convinced.  I think it is just a moment to moment thing.  In a weak moment when I am feeling threatened in some way, or someone sins against me, or inadvertently does something that wrongs me in some way, it is easy to feel unloved.  This happens to me all the time.  It is a learned behavior.  My defenses go up immediately and I try to protect myself by distancing myself from the offender.  I assume they do not love me and don't care so I tell myself this person is unsafe and cannot be trusted, and therefore does not love me.

One of the greatest lessons I am learning in recovery is the blessings that come from being vulnerable enough to trust another person with something very personal and sacred.  Being vulnerable has a lot of risks that come along with it, but the rewards are priceless.  I risk the possibility of being betrayed, the possibility of being ridiculed, the possibility of being gossiped about, and the list goes on and on.  The rewards though are great.  There is great freedom in unburdening myself from the load of past failures, hurts, regrets, current struggles and concerns.  The load is much easier to bear when someone comes along side me to help me bear it.  Once I go down that road though, the possibility of being hurt again increases.  The relationship that I establish with the person in whom I confide grows and is tried and tested as situations and circumstances present themselves and life happens.  That is the nature of relationships we have with others.

It is basically the same when it comes to my relationship with God.  The only difference is that God can be trusted 100%.  However, the questions I ask myself is do I really believe that, and if so, why do my actions belie that so much of the time?  The answer is that I do truly believe it, just as I do in the important relationships with other people in my life, but at times I doubt it.  This is where God is patient and kind and lovingly brings me along through various situations and circumstances where He proves His love and faithfulness to me.  I believe He delights in doing so.  Time after time He brings me through a particular situation where it is obvious that He is demonstrating His love for me. Through those trials, I learn that He can be trusted, that He is good, even when it seems He is not.  God causes all things, the seemingly good and bad, to work together for my good.  I believe the whole of life is preparation for Kingdom living, learning how to relate to God and to others as God would have me to.  When asked which is the great commandment in the Law, Jesus replied "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the great and foremost commandment.  The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22: 37-40).  It all starts with submitting to Him as the authority in my life, my Creator, my loving and gracious heavenly Father. He is good and His lovingkindness is everlasting. (Psalm 106: 1).

The Struggle Within Me

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not" (Romans 7:18, NASB)

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary" (Galatians 6:9, NASB)

My flesh is consistent and persistent.  It wants what it wants, when it wants it.  It wants to be lazy first thing in the morning.  It wants to lust just before I start my quiet time in the morning and sometimes during it.  It is very controlling and manipulating and has no regard for other people.  I believe God when He declares that "...nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh..." The Bible doesn't teach me to strive against the flesh on its terms, but rather to remove the flesh from the equation all together through faith by setting my mind on the Spirit and counting the flesh as dead.  The world tries to convince me that living in the Spirit (thinking about God, meditating on Scripture, and talking to God all day long) is extreme and fanatical, but that is the only way I have peace in my heart and victory over sin in my life.  It may be extreme and fanatical but that is what God has called me to and I will gladly do it to have the relationship with Almighty God that I have.  I am not perfect at it (no one is), but that is what I strive for every day.  Sometimes I feel like quitting, but I keep fighting the battle of faith because God has promised to me life eternal and an abundant life right here and now.  Don't give up!

The Important Things

"Come now, you who say 'Tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow, you are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'" (James 4:13-15, NASB)

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil.  So then, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." (Ephesians 5:15-17, NASB)

The news of my cousin Sheila's death has got me thinking about eternal things.  The things that really matter that I so often take for granted have come to the front of my mind.  I am becoming increasingly aware that there are many sideline activities in my life that rob me of precious time I could be using doing more important things.  It is not so much that these diversions in my life are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but to the extent that they hinder my progress, or rob me of opportunities to do greater things, I have to consider them idols.  TV, the Internet, video games, are all diversions I allow myself as a way to relax, or recreate, but there is always the danger that they will crowd out those things that I still have a strong desire to accomplish spiritually, relationally, and even professionally.

Time is a commodity that I take for granted so easily.  I just assume that I am going to wake up each morning and have the full day to do whatever it is I desire.  What a tremendous source of pride and arrogance!  Each day is a gift, each moment is to be treasured, every breath I take, I take only by the grace and mercy of Almighty God.  Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning.

Sad news

I don't really know what to write today.  I just received news from my mother that my cousin who is about the same age as me, passed away today.  I do not know any of the details about how she died, but it certainly reminded me how fragile life is, that I am not guaranteed tomorrow.  A lot of recovery thoughts have flooded my mind: living one day at a time, trusting God for each moment of each day, etc.  But more than anything, the importance of knowing where I stand before the Lord is so important and that being settled, I need to be about the Lord's business--telling others about Him.  I know that I am called to serve Him in the area of recovery and specifically with those struggling with same sex attractions, but I can't help but think that His purpose for my life is even higher than that.  I pray that my zeal for telling the truth about the issue of same sex attraction and lust never gets in the way of loving people and telling them the even greater truth of God's love for all people.  May I show compassion and love for those who struggle in the same way that I do and for everyone else.  I believe all recovery issues matter to the Lord, but through everything I think, say, and do, I must have love otherwise it is all for nothing.  Lord please help me to remember that.

I will miss my cousin and I pray that she has a home in my Father's Kingdom, in His presence for all of eternity.

Reflections on My Walk with the Lord

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NASB)

"Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16, NASB)

Over the last five years God has directed me into some things that have become the primary activities of my life; almost without me even noticing.  I believe that my leadership in Celebrate Recovery, my work in Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, my job structure at the college where I teach (part time classroom teaching and part time administrative work), and the list of the many other aspects of routine activities in my life, have been ordained by God.  This is the life He has called me to.  In some ways I feel I am uniquely gifted to perform the duties of each of these responsibilities, but in many other ways I feel inadequate.  Knowing however, that God has called me to these things at this stage in my life encourages me to tackle each day in His strength.  It is not the life I envisioned over 25 years ago when I set out to conquer the world as a naive college student completely focused on what I wanted to "do" rather than what I needed to "be".  But it is the life that fulfills the real longings of my heart: peace, freedom, love, acceptance, joy, and hope.  Don't get me wrong, I struggle each and every day with various things to varying degrees, but I know in my heart that God has "taken me on" and is working in my life to reveal the true me He created me to be.  For that, and so much more, I am thankful today.

Change

"Change isn't the absence of struggle, it's the freedom in the midst of that struggle to make a different decision"

Alan Chambers, President, Exodus International
Exodus Freedom Conference
Opening Night General Session
Saint Paul, Minnesota
June 28, 2012

"...accepting hardship as a pathway to peace."

As a young man growing up in Georgia, all I could think about was graduating from high school, going to college to study music, and then living out the remainder of my life as a high school band director.  I was absolutely certain that was the way my life was going to play out.  I did graduate high school, and I did go to college, and I did study music.  It wasn't until my tuba professor at college, Dr. David Randolph, encouraged me to pursue performance and college teaching did I ever entertain the idea of doing anything else with my life.  Sure, I did investigate other career paths while I was a high school student (engineering, military science, and others) but nothing captivated my heart and spirit like music.   I knew I was good at it and I sincerely wanted to share that gift with others through teaching.  I had just assumed that high school teaching was the only avenue available to me.

Dr. Randolph convinced me otherwise.  He must have seen in me something I was unable or unwilling to see in myself at the time.  He was convinced that I had the talent and skill to become a successful college tuba teacher.  So I pursued that route.  I did teach high school band for three years and quickly realized that I would slowly go mad, or slowly die from the ill health effects of the stress and aggravation of secondary education.  Someone once told me that teaching would be the best job in the world if it wasn't for the students.  But to be honest, the students weren't the problem; it was the parents, the administrators, the community, and my colleagues that were the problem.  Band directing was a constant hassle and source of headaches, high blood pressure, sleepless nights, among other bad things.  This career was the calling of some people but certainly not for me.  I will always remember and thank Dr. Randolph for helping me to see that I could do something else.

The long and short of it is that I did become a college tuba professor (and band director) and I absolutely loved it!  I believed I had found my true calling in life.  For the first time in my life I was doing something every day that I enjoyed and I was getting paid for doing it.  I taught at a college up North for six years (three years part time while I was pursuing my doctorate degree, and three years full time).  I then moved back to the south to a state I thought I would never have opportunity to travel through much less live in, Arkansas.  A great career opportunity opened up there and I begin teaching tuba and band on the college level full time.  Something told me even those eleven years ago that I was at home.  I had my dream job: doing my first love which was band directing, but also doing private tuba teaching.  All of this was wrapped up in a neat and tidy job that I truly loved.  I was making a name for myself.  I got to know many of the music educators in the state, and I was making a lot of professional connections.  I was playing recitals, and serving on the campus and in the community.  I had a beautiful, loving wife who went with me everywhere I wanted to go professionally without complaining.  I dragged her literally around the globe kicking and screaming.  This was difficult for a woman who was born, raised, schooled, and lived out all of her life in the same middle Georgia town.  

Life was good, so I thought.  If you know any of my story, then you know that I was living a double life.  I had this horrible secret, so terrible that I dare not share it with anyone not even my wife, for fear of rejection or ridicule.  I struggle with same-sex lustful thoughts and sexual addiction.  I have often thought that if I could just get control of that part of my life, everything would be perfect.  I had the beautiful wife, a nice home, a great career, plenty of good food to eat, but I did not have peace.  I knew the only way to start to have a little peace was to share my struggle with someone else, but I just couldn't do it.  The shame and the guilt had a strangle hold on every aspect of my being.  I knew this struggle I had was not God's will for my life, but at the same time I didn't know how to stop and sometimes I did not want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  I do not know what it is like to be addicted to a chemical substance like alcohol or street drugs, but I can imagine what it is like if it is anything like a sexual addiction.  Whenever the pressures of life would become too much for me to handle, my mind would automatically go to lustful thoughts and I would want to act out in some way either alone or with someone else.  In some strange way, it was medicating to find release in that way.  I found comfort in that "drug".  I was able to escape for a time from reality and pretend that I had no problems or concerns.  In the back of my mind I knew I was going against God's will and He was not pleased with me.  I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame each and every time, but it did not stop me from doing it.  I felt trapped in a vicious cycle of sinning, shame, guilt, repentance, and then sinning again.  I acted out in this manner probably every day of my life as far back as I can remember, sometimes many times a day.

So what does this have to do with "...accepting hardship as a pathway to peace"?  My life came crashing down around me five years ago this month when I was out at a local park seeking my sexual "fix".  I was busted in a sting by local law enforcement for public indecency.  This had actually happened four times previously in different places I have lived.  I was able to hide it from everyone those other times, even my wife.  She knew something was amiss, she just didn't know what it was.  This most recent time though was the worse because it was made very public.  A series of hardships followed:   I thought I was going to lose my wife, my job and career, my home, and anything else I thought was important to me that I had spent years building.  I had no choice but to come clean about everything.  

I was not looking forward to opening up to my wife about all of this.  When I told her, she looked at me with compassion and grace, and I saw a picture of the love and grace of God in her.  She forgave me and said we were in this marriage relationship for better or for worse and that she would be by my side whatever happened.  Wow!  I have not ceased giving God thanks for my wife since that day.  We still have difficulties and battles we fight from time to time but by God's grace we love each other now more than we ever have before.  Our relationship is not one built on my lies and deception, but on God's love, grace, and acceptance and a true admiration, respect and love for each other.

It took over two months to find out what my job fate was.  I truly learned what living one day at a time really means.  At this point I had turned my life over to God and surrendered everything to him.  I had no choice.  My fate was in the justice system and my employers, but really in the hands of Almighty God.  I woke up each day and gave thanks to God for being sovereign in my life, and I lived each day having to trust God each moment in a very real way.  I did not know if I was going to have a job when school started again, but I was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do.  At some point, I think God reassured my heart that I still had my job, but that it was going to be different.  That ended up being the case.  I would no longer teach tuba and band, but now, general music classes.  I accepted this hardship reluctantly and I struggled for a long time with the reality that my career choice was no longer mine to make.  God was showing me something better and I did not even know it at the time.  My true gift of classroom teaching was being revealed as I began working on this new professional endeavor, and I found that I enjoyed it tremendously.  I now have administrative responsibilities as well, something I have always wondered if I would enjoy (and I do).  I am in a great place professionally now, a place I would never have discovered if I had continued trying to live life my own way.

The biggest hardship however is without doubt the constant suffering of temptation I experience on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others, but it is a daily battle I struggle with to date.  It seems strange even to me to say this, but I thank God for the struggle because God is using it keep me close to Him.  Just as I was acting out each day in my sexual addiction in an attempt to satisfy some perceived need, I now depend on God each and every day to supply those needs in His way.  Instead of acting on the impulses, I now resist them in the power of Jesus Christ.  Knowing I have a right relationship with God and I have fellowship with Him has given me more peace that I could have ever imagined possible.  I had to be brought to a place of neediness, powerlessness and surrender before God was able to give me His peace.  Life will continue to have hardships and difficulties, but I know that if I accept them as from the hand of Almighty God, I will experience His peace through them.