It is a very important question. For me, the question easily could have been "Am I convinced of the love and goodness of my wife, my father, my friends?" My wife and I during a recent argument (which I like to refer to as "passionate discussions") discussed this very issue as it related to us. The honest answer for me was, no I am not 100% convinced of the love anyone says they have for me, not 100% of the time. The reason I say that is that my actions indicate that I am not convinced. I think it is just a moment to moment thing. In a weak moment when I am feeling threatened in some way, or someone sins against me, or inadvertently does something that wrongs me in some way, it is easy to feel unloved. This happens to me all the time. It is a learned behavior. My defenses go up immediately and I try to protect myself by distancing myself from the offender. I assume they do not love me and don't care so I tell myself this person is unsafe and cannot be trusted, and therefore does not love me.
One of the greatest lessons I am learning in recovery is the blessings that come from being vulnerable enough to trust another person with something very personal and sacred. Being vulnerable has a lot of risks that come along with it, but the rewards are priceless. I risk the possibility of being betrayed, the possibility of being ridiculed, the possibility of being gossiped about, and the list goes on and on. The rewards though are great. There is great freedom in unburdening myself from the load of past failures, hurts, regrets, current struggles and concerns. The load is much easier to bear when someone comes along side me to help me bear it. Once I go down that road though, the possibility of being hurt again increases. The relationship that I establish with the person in whom I confide grows and is tried and tested as situations and circumstances present themselves and life happens. That is the nature of relationships we have with others.
It is basically the same when it comes to my relationship with God. The only difference is that God can be trusted 100%. However, the questions I ask myself is do I really believe that, and if so, why do my actions belie that so much of the time? The answer is that I do truly believe it, just as I do in the important relationships with other people in my life, but at times I doubt it. This is where God is patient and kind and lovingly brings me along through various situations and circumstances where He proves His love and faithfulness to me. I believe He delights in doing so. Time after time He brings me through a particular situation where it is obvious that He is demonstrating His love for me. Through those trials, I learn that He can be trusted, that He is good, even when it seems He is not. God causes all things, the seemingly good and bad, to work together for my good. I believe the whole of life is preparation for Kingdom living, learning how to relate to God and to others as God would have me to. When asked which is the great commandment in the Law, Jesus replied "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22: 37-40). It all starts with submitting to Him as the authority in my life, my Creator, my loving and gracious heavenly Father. He is good and His lovingkindness is everlasting. (Psalm 106: 1).
