Merry Christmas!

Just a quick post to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  In the midst of the stress of travelling, shopping, partying, and visiting, remember our Savior the Lord Jesus Christ.  Celebrate Him and be blessed!

Accountability

“It is written: ‘As surely as I live’ says the Lord, ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’  So then, each one of us will give an account of himself to God.”  (Romans 14:11-12, NIV, CR Bible)

Over the last several weeks, circumstances in my life have caused me to think a lot about accountability.  I have faced many situations recently in which the presence or absence of accountability was a major determining factor in how the situation was settled.  One such occasion happened a couple of weeks ago when due to a professional obligation, I found myself with lots of free time in a place where I used to engage in same-sex sexual activity.  To be honest, I did not even think about it until after I had been there for several hours legitimately carrying out my professional duties.  However, there came a time in the day that I found myself with a two-hour span of time with nothing to do.  That is when the thoughts of my past activities in this place began to play in my mind.  The mental temptations were quite strong and my mind drifted back and forth between thoughts of evil and thoughts of good.  Whenever those thoughts come I try to “…take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ”.  Although controlling my thoughts by focusing on God’s Word and on Jesus Christ was helping, I realized that I needed more help.  I started thinking through my mental list of recovery tools and decided that what I needed to do was call someone.  It’s funny how off my thinking was in that moment because I did not immediately think to call my sponsor.  I called some accountability partners, a couple of Christian brothers in Celebrate Recovery with me, and finally my sponsor.  I managed to reach four people and I asked each of them to do one thing for me: when they saw me in person again, to ask me about the two-hour span of time in which I had nothing to do that day.  Knowing that I was going to be sitting across the table from one of my accountability partners at some point and that he was going to ask me specifically about that day and time, was a huge factor in maintaining my focus on God through the temptations.  The next couple of hours were a struggle, but I made it through by the grace of God.

That was the lesson I was intended to learn that day, that it wasn’t meant for me to travel this road of recovery alone.  I think I have always known that, but putting it into action in such a practical way made it more real for me.  I thank God each day for the accountability He has brought in my life through the many friends I have made in recovery.  But even more importantly, I am striving to live my life in view of a coming day when I will have to be ultimately accountable to my heavenly Father.

Recovery from Life's Hurts, Habits, and Hang-ups

This video is really well done.  It is a video montage covering the 12 steps of recovery.
(credits at the end of the video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN9x3xWn1Ck&feature=youtube_gdata_player&noredirect=1

The Work of Prayer-Part 2

"For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.  For He rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." (Colossians 1:9-14, NASB)

If you have been following my blog, you probably have noticed there hasn’t been much to follow lately.  Part of it has been that life has gotten so very busy.  I am in my same position at work but I have taken on much more responsibility.  I just accepted the role of ministry leader with Celebrate Recovery at New Life Church in Conway.  Here during this Thanksgiving season I have finally found an opportunity to just sit and meditate on what God would have me to write.  I really don’t think I have a definite answer so I figured I would pick up where I left off, with prayer.

I recently went through a season in which my prayer life changed—partly on purpose and partly not.  Several weeks ago, I was listening to a broadcast of Charles Stanley’s In Touch television ministry and he preached about prayer using Colossians 1:9-14 (referenced above).  I was amazed that prayer was his topic because I had just written the previous blog post entitled The Work of Prayer Part 1.  I was struck by the simplicity of the Apostle Paul’s prayer for the Colossians.  There were very specific things that Paul prays for them:

1. That they be filled with the knowledge of God’s will.

2. That they would walk in a manner worthy of the Lord.

3. That they would bear fruit in every good work

4. That they would increase in their knowledge of God

5. That they would be strengthened with all power

6. That they would be thankful to God especially for salvation

This litany of prayer requests started me thinking about my prayers for myself and for others.  As a default prayer, I did usually ask that God’s will be done in the lives of the people for whom I prayed.  I often would pray for God to be their strength in the situations and circumstances of their lives.  However, I rarely would pray that their walk would please the Lord, or that they would increase in their knowledge of God.  I never prayed that others would be thankful.  What wonderful things to pray for!  I started praying for all of these things in my prayers for myself and others and at least in my spiritual life it has made a tremendous difference in my walk with the Lord.  I find myself much more often throughout the day thinking of Jesus and praying spontaneous prayers as the day unfolds.  My walk with Him has grown more intimate and more consistent.

When I first began praying in this manner, I had this “cheat sheet” of keywords to help me remember what to include in my prayers (will, work, walk, strength, knowledge, thankful). After several weeks I didn’t need the cheat sheet anymore, the ideas came more naturally to mind as I was praying.  In addition to stated requests from others I would pray for God to “guide them in His will for the day” or that He would “grow them in the knowledge of who He is”.  These are the things we as believers all want from our walk with Him, so why not pray for them to happen!

There is one prayer request that I haven’t listed yet, but I feel it is the most important one: that I or others would know Jesus more intimately and have a desire to spend time with Him and to read God’s holy Word.  It is a great mystery to me that no one comes to Christ unless the Father draws him.  I am thankful this day after Thanksgiving that He drew me to Himself and has given me a heart to pray that He draw me even closer in an intimate relationship with Him.

The Work of Prayer

“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened.” (Luke 11:9-10, NASB)

Prayer is a topic that has been on my mind for some time now.  I believe God has given me a burden to pray for many people including my wife, my mother, my brothers and my sister and their families, my brothers and sisters in Christ in Celebrate Recovery and church, colleagues at work, the students I teach, friends who do not know the Lord, and the list goes on and on.  Admittedly, it is not something that comes naturally for me, in part because I feel inadequate to pray as I should and I simply sometimes do not know what to ask for or how to ask for it.  I sometimes wrestle with a number of other issues like, who should I pray for, how often should I pray, is there a correct posture for prayer, etc.  Then there are the deeper questions like, what exactly is prayer, what is the purpose of prayer, does God even hear my prayers, and how can I know if I am praying in His will.

There are so many different ways I can look into the topic of prayer.  In the past I have used Biblical prayers like the Lord’s Prayer as a model of how to pray, but also the prayers of Paul and others in the New Testament when they would pray for believers in various places.  Prayers of thanksgiving, love, and praise that acknowledge what God has already done have also been a great blessing in my life.  I have endeavored to maintain an attitude of prayer, being confident that I can approach God at any time and in any place during the course of a day.  I struggle sometimes with the ever growing “prayer list” that quite frankly gets so large that it becomes unmanageable and it becomes nearly impossible to pray for everyone and everything on the list.  How long should I pray for a given thing that I truly believe is in the will of God yet I have yet to receive an answer (or is that the answer?)  Is prayer work, or rest, or both?  If prayer is work, then can it become an unreasonable legalistic burden I place on myself in a conscious or unconscious attempt to gain God’s favor?  Why do I feel feelings of guilt when I lose mental focus in the middle of my prayers? 

There is lot to this idea of prayer and I want to explore it and try to answer for myself some of these questions.  I wanted to do a single blog post about prayer, but I soon realized that there is simply too much to talk about for a single post.  So, I prayed about it, and decided to make it a mini-series of sorts.  One caveat: I am not by any stretch of the imagination a Biblical scholar nor do I claim to have all the answers.  I am simply relaying my experiences and insights about prayer that I feel God has laid on my heart.

Faith

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8, NASB)


Lord, I feel like I am under some sort of spiritual attack.  My mind is shifting to and fro from one negative thought to another.  You seem so far away.  It would be easy and even natural to allow my feelings and emotions to dictate to me who I am and how I should think and believe.  I know from experience that that is not TRUTH. 

This morning, I choose to believe YOU!  I am still a child of the Living God.  I am forgiven.  I am accepted and loved in Christ Jesus.  Your Holy Spirit lives in me empowering me to do all that you have asked me to do.  Sin has no power over me whatsoever.  I go into this day knowing that your Holy Presence is with me everywhere I go.  That statement is not some insignificant, insincere platitude; rather it is a profound statement of fact that You are truly with me in the here and now.  Even when I do not feel Your Presence, even when You (or I) feel so distant, You are with me.  The same truths I believed on some other day when all my circumstances were rosy and bright, and when I felt Your Presence strongly in a very real way, are still true today.  I believe You Lord when You say to me “…I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Sometimes I have to think, speak, and act contrary to the way I feel.  That is the essence of living by faith.  It is believing You Lord, despite my circumstances.  Thank you so much for that gift.  Today, I choose faith!

 

Look Me in the Eyes

Talking with a friend today, I remembered what is was like to be full of guilt and shame over the sin and in my life and how difficult, even impossible, it was to look my wife or anyone else in the eyes.   The eyes are the windows to the soul.  You can often discern a person's emotional state or state of mind simply by looking into their eyes.  The hurt, disappointment, depression, joy, sadness, expectation, etc., can all be read in the eyes. 

It was a simple thing really.  As I was enjoying my lunch today with a good friend, I caught myself looking directly into his eyes as he was talking with me.  In that moment, I realized that this was something that was relatively new for me.  I remember being so overwhelmed with guilt and shame over my sin, that I could hardly look anyone in the eyes for fear they would see the real me in my gaze.  The idea of someone being able to see my emotional insides, my true self, was scary; it still can be at times.  I remember the day I confessed my faults to my wife and the feeling of freedom that came with that.  I also remember afterward for the first time in a long time, being able to look her in the eyes without having to turn away. 

What a tremendous gift I was given back through the simple act of confession.  Freedom for me is being exactly who I am without trying to hide certain parts of my true self and at the same time surrendering my life to the Giver of Life, my Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ.  I try to do this each week as I share my struggles and difficulties in my accountability group that meets on Saturday mornings and in Celebrate Recovery.  It still makes me feel uncomfortable and very vulnerable, but I share because of what I get in return.  My life stays in the light (the good, the bad, and the ugly).  What I get back is freedom; freedom from self, freedom from sin, freedom from the old patterns of denial, guilt, and shame.  I also get freedom to worship God, freedom to fellowship with God, freedom to fellowship with other believers, and freedom to be the real me, the person God created me to be.

As I interact with family, friends, anyone, I can look them in the eyes without fear of what they will see as they look into my eyes.  Whatever was in my life that I was ashamed of, has been forgiven by the Creator.  Not only is it forgiven, but also, it is has been cleansed away by the blood of Christ.  The best gift however is knowing that I can gaze into the eyes of Jesus boldly and enjoy fellowship with Him.  God sees me through the filter of Jesus and because of that I need not turn away in shame as I look intently into His eyes for help in time of need.

Lord, help me to stay honest with you so I can continue to look into your eyes for solace, comfort, and strength.

Thoughts on Sexual Sobriety

I don’t do this too often, but today I want to share on this blog something I wrote in my personal journal.  I started journaling over two years ago as a recovery tool and initially I really did not like it and resisted doing it.  Everyone in my recovery circle though was talking about how helpful it was to write down their struggles and insights into their own lives.  I relented and finally started to journal, and was very inconsistent with it, but something told me to keep trying.  Eventually, I actually began to enjoy the writing process and found it very helpful in spotting patterns in my life, positive or negative.   There is something about seeing something in print that makes it very real and makes it difficult for me to run from.  Writing about myself forced me to think more thoughtfully about the things I think, do, and say.

Anyway, yesterday marked four years of continuous sobriety for me.  I try not to view it as something to be proud of, but rather as a reason to give thanks and praise to God for His faithfulness in my life.  So, to You Lord, I give thanks today for performing a work in me quite frankly that I never really believed would ever happen.  You did it on Your terms, in Your way, in order to bring You glory.  I see every day how You are using my life and testimony to minister to others, and how You are using others to minister to me.  Please give me a heart that earnestly seeks You and reaches out to others with Your message of hope, forgiveness, and love.

This morning, a friend in my accountability group meeting reminded all of us there that Jesus said His “…yoke is easy and His burden is light.”  That verse implies that the work of God in my life is a two-way street; that there is God’s part, and there is work for me to do in my recovery.  I know that part of that work for me has been to come to Him in repentance and to begin meeting with others as a community of God’s people and openly sharing my struggles so that I can receive prayerful support and healing through that process.  I also know that I must commit my life to His care each and every day as a deliberate act of my will.  It is truly a journey that is taken one day, one step, and one moment at a time.

I thank God for my sobriety, but much more, I thank Him for the growing relationship I have with Him.  To God be all the glory!

Matt Jenson: Reflections for Singles & Those Struggling with Homosexuality - Biola Chapel

This is absolutely amazing. I have not heard from anyone the the clarity in which the speaker defines the struggle that I and so many others experience on a daily basis. More importantly, he explains the grace of God with such profound simplicity and truth. A must see for all of God's children. All I can say is "Wow!" 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr1ABKXY1YI&feature=player_embedded#at=463

In The Light

“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.  If we say we have fellowship in Him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” (1 John 1:5-7, NASB)

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16, NASB)

I remember the first time I shared my struggle against same-sex attraction in a small open share group in Celebrate Recovery.  Next to confessing all of this to my wife, it was the single most difficult thing I had ever done.  The idea of confessing this fault to a group of men whom I did not know was very scary.  As each man shared openly about his struggle with alcohol, drugs, anger and other issues, I sat quietly and thought how brave these guys were to share their lives in such an open and honest way.  But as for me, I just remember feeling like I wanted to jump up and bolt from the room!  It finally came around to my opportunity to share and it was as if the Holy Spirit said “it is now or never.”  I do not remember the specifics of what I shared but I am sure I used the word “homosexuality” or “same-sex attraction” or “same-sex lust” in describing how I had sinned against God.  I think I expected groans and murmurings in response to what I shared.  I must have expected half the men to get up and run from the room themselves in disgust (which is honestly what I felt like doing).  But instead, they all thanked me for sharing, said that they were glad I was there, and they went on to the next person!

For the first time in my entire life I had shared with someone other than myself or God my struggle with “same sex-lust” (which is how I characterize the issue today).  Until then, the sin lay lurking in the darkness of denial with a vice-like grip on my soul.  Shame and guilt in the shadows dared me to reveal this to anyone.  The blackness of fear had a stranglehold on my spirit. Sharing grew easier with each successive week as I found love and acceptance in those with whom I shared.  Then a miracle happened.  For the first time in my life of forty years, I began to realize in my experience a measure of freedom from this addiction.  As I daily kept the truth about myself in the light of God’s presence and as I honestly shared in the light of other sincere believers, SIN loosened its grip.  One day of sexual sobriety turned into two days, then three, and before long I was staying sober.  I am thoroughly convinced that the power against this sin and the freedom from its bondage that I enjoy today started with the simple act of honestly sharing my struggle with others.

It is not as if I have no struggles anymore.  I am confronted daily with temptations to sin in the flesh (which is how I measure my sobriety). The battle for my mind is also a nagging daily occurrence trying to entice me to obsess about lustful things.  But I know that Christ reigns in me to empower me to defeat those things in my mental and physical life.  Although I have a length of physical sobriety, it is in the area of lust (my thoughts and my eyes) where the battle continues.  If I am progressively winning the battle there, I know the physical war is won.  This is why I must keep my life in the Light.  There is no other way.

My prayer for today is for the courage to continue to expose sin for what it is and to share that truth with others. By confessing honestly to God and others about sin in my life I stay in God’s presence and he continually cleanses me from sin.  I have fellowship with other believers and with Him.  May it continue to be so.

A Steadfast Mind

“The steadfast of mind He will keep in perfect peace because he trusts in You.” (Isaiah 26:3, NASB)

I meditated on this Biblical passage this morning.  It speaks to me about the battle that is raging for control of my mind.  All of the spiritual attack I have been experiencing lately has been centered on creating doubts in my mind about one thing or another—Is God purposefully engaged in and controlling my life, has He truly “taken me on”?  Am I in God’s will for my home life, work life, ministry, etc.?  I have to continually reaffirm that what I am doing, how I am living my life is what God would have me to do.  The World is shouting a different message to me.  Being steadfast of mind comes only as I stay my focus on God’s presence with me.  Whenever I get away from that, I feel ill-at-ease, uncomfortable, and vulnerable to the schemes of the devil and the error of the World’s thinking.  I have to remember that God and His Word are faithful, true, and unchanging.

I have chosen to live my life according to what I believe is God’s calling for me.  That life looks different from the lives of those living for the World.  There would be cause for concern if it didn’t look different!  I am a man who is tempted with the sin of homosexuality.  I do not fully know why I am tempted, but I do know that neither homosexuality nor any other deception of the World defines who I am.  It is not God’s will or design for me or anyone else.  I do not self-identify with the labels of “gay” or “homosexual” any more than someone who is not tempted as I am would identify with the label of “heterosexual”.  Heterosexual is just a word designed to be in contrast with the word homosexual. 

I am who my Father in heaven says I am: a child of the Living God, a godly man who is seeking the heart of Christ daily.  I live my life by faith as God would have me to do so, not based on someone else’s determination of what my life should be.  God has a plan for my life that doesn’t take into account anything that anyone thinks, and therefore I don’t care what anyone else thinks about my life!  I am accountable to God and God alone.  Within God’s sovereignty I am certainly accountable to the people and institutions He has placed in my life—my wife, parents, church leaders, godly friends, government, etc.—but ultimately my allegiance and accountability is toward God.  I must do His will.

I have to live my life by faith trusting God that He knows what is best for me.  The pride and arrogance of my flesh wants to fully understand before it submits and it is constantly trying to dictate how I should live my life.  But God is Creator and I am created.  My only duty and pleasure is to trust Him and obey Him.  God have mercy on me if I don’t.

Time and Busy-ness

“Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established.” (Proverbs 16:3, NASB)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6, NASB)

“The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9, NASB)

Before I got into recovery, I managed to find the time to devote to the sexual addiction and same-sex lust that ruled my life for so long.  It never mattered how busy the other parts of my life were, I was fully devoted to making time for those habits.  My productivity at work suffered greatly.  I rarely had enough energy at the end of a day to spend engaging with my wife or other people who were important to me.  I would often use my lunch hour to pursue my habit—forgoing lunch in favor of getting my sexual high.  I was willing to sacrifice anything and do anything it took to satisfy those inordinate desires.  Looking back on it, I see how truly sick my mind was.

When I got into recovery and fully committed to staying sexual sober, the amount of time in each day seemed to increase dramatically.  I began to realize the inordinate amount of time I had been spending engaging in the addiction. I suddenly had a lot of spare time.  Dealing with that spare time was difficult because I could not fill it with the old habits and all that was left was a “time vacuum”.  I felt as if the walls of the house were closing in on me or that I wanted to climb the walls.  I always had to be doing something, or so I thought.  It was a very scary time for me because I had time to think and I had to face myself and I had to come face to face with God.

As I kept going to recovery meetings the phrase more than any other that I kept hearing from people who shared was “one day at a time”.  For me that phrase helped me to get through some very difficult moments.  In my experience “one day at a time” got shortened to “one hour at a time” and then eventually quite literally to “one moment at a time”.  Another helpful phrase was “do the next right thing” whatever that happened to be in that moment.  After trying to apply those concepts to my everyday life for some time, something remarkable started to happen.  My life started to make sense.  The need for every waking moment of my life to be filled with activity was no longer there.  It was OK to not be busy, to be able to sit in a room alone with just me, my thoughts, and my God.  Spending time with God was no longer an item to be checked off of my “to do list”, but rather something I looked forward to each day.  I am certainly not perfect in that respect.  Sometimes I still talk myself out of getting up that little bit earlier to have time to spend alone with God.  Sometimes I still make excuses about why doing something else is more important than getting face to face with God to gain his wisdom, direction and strength for the day.  Sometimes I just don’t “feel” like it.  However, I am growing to understand more fully that I can do nothing without HIM.  He is the Source of everything in my life.  I want to be able to say like the Apostle Paul, that God is not a part of my life but He is my Life.

Whenever life gets to busy to spend time with my Lord, something is seriously out of whack!  When my life gets to that point, I go before the Lord and I ask Him for three things:

1. I ask Him to take away the things in my life that are not His will for me.

2. I ask Him to help me prioritize the things that remain.

3. I ask Him to help me to do the “next right thing”, whatever that is.

Flesh and Spirit

"For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.  For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.  So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.  For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.  But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.  For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.  Wretched man that I am!  Who will set me free from the body of this death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin." (Romans 7:14-25, NASB)

It is a long passage of Scripture, but one that is extremely powerful and worth writing out.  To me this is one of the most important passages of Scripture for any believer to know and understand, especially for those struggling with an addiction or stronghold in their life as I am.

There is such conflict between my flesh and my spirit.  The reality of the Christian life is that believers have both, flesh and spirit.  It seems most of the time that my flesh (more precisely, sin) is doing everything it can to discourage and dishearten me. It attempts to derail everything the Lord is doing in and through me.  The temptation to return to the life I lived for so many years—leading a double life, pursuing daily the insatiable sexual hunger that completely took over my life—is ever-present and strong.  That, along with erotic dreams and the rampant same-sex lust activated by what I see and hear in this fallen world, all threaten to send me back to that dark, awful place of servitude to my addiction.  I cannot and will not go back there.  My spirit on the other hand rejoices over the intimate relationship I have with the Savior, with the freedom, peace and joy He is in my life.  The two, flesh and spirit, co-exist, but I am called to walk after the spirit and deny the deeds of the flesh.  Therein lies my problem. I can’t but He can in me.  It is only through surrender and trust that I can walk in the Spirit, but this constant battle being waged “...against the law of my mind…” is very real.

I know that all of it is a form of suffering from which I have asked God numerous times in prayer to remove from me, but the answer is always the same: the suffering is for my good and the good of others.  Facing the temptations everyday and the daily victory of them is a reminder to me of my continual need to rely on Jesus Christ and His resurrection power in my life.  But beyond that, they also serve to allow me to empathize with those who are similarly tempted and to be able to minister to them in a way that only someone who deals with the same issues can.

I continue to pray each day that His will be done, knowing that there is a purpose beyond myself that He has for my life.  The hope that I have within my spirit is the knowledge that one day I will be in the presence of Almighty God and this “body of death” will be transformed into an eternal body free from the bondage of sin and death.  As the hymn writer says “Lord hasten the day when my faith will be made sight”.  To God be the glory!

Random Thoughts

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:33-34, NASB)
 

I am writing this post not on the topic of having random thoughts but just as some random thoughts I am currently having—if that makes any sense.  My nature is to try to be organized and orderly in everything I do, so it is a little out of character for me to write something so haphazard and random as what I am about to write (even this introduction shows how uncomfortable I am with just writing whatever comes to mind, I have to preface it with an explanation!)

This time of year is always a challenge for me in my Christian walk.  It is the end of the school year (at least for us college types) and instead of winding down, activity is picking up.  End of the year meetings and paperwork and student projects just to name a few, are going full force and I am expected to be everything to everybody.  Grading papers and projects, and the daily routine of checking scads of emails from students and colleagues all seem to escalate in April more so than at any other time of the year.  Maybe it is the anticipation of the summer when things really wind down and I get a chance to focus much more on “Home”.  But even at home, the activity is building.  With springtime comes yard work—mowing the lawn, edging, trimming, pulling weeds, and of course cleaning out the garage which never gets fully done. 

Then, there is my tax return!  Yes, I waited until the last minute to do this (insert lame and ridiculous excuses here).  No excuses!  I am a procrastinator.  I will say, that if I don’t have all the documentation I need it is impossible to complete my taxes, but I certainly could have at least input the information I did have.  So honestly, no excuses!

The demands of job, home, and ministry all take their toll on my serenity and I find myself running to God in the middle of the day out of sheer desperation.  There I find comfort and peace, but in the back of my mind all of the looming tasks are still there waiting to consume me like a wide open gaping maw!  There just aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything.

Today I heard the still, small voice of God say to me “You can’t do it all, be still and know that I am God”.  He told me to simply trust Him and live one day and one moment at a time.  I wish the term “multi-tasking” had never been coined so I would not feel like that is something I have to do.  God created me to do one thing at a time.  Anyone who tells you they can truly multi-task (doing two or more things simultaneously) is deluded.  The mind can only truly focus on one thing at a time.  Now I agree that the mind can very quickly move from one task to another and back again, but never truly at the same time.  With that realization, I will focus on one project at a time and one thing at a time, and endeavor to do those things in the priority order established by the will of God for my life and do them wholeheartedly and well.  I will not try to do 163 (random number) things at once!  Why?  Because I can’t!  How simple is that!  I will also not try to control my circumstances.  Why?  Because I can’t!!  I will not try to understand or control other people.  Why?  Because I can’t!!!  How long will it take me to learn these simple life lessons!

So I will be content in the Lord to do what He has for me to do today and not worry about what I may or may not do tomorrow.  Nor will I be disappointed in myself for what I did not do yesterday.  All God has promised me is the present.  If I am still alive and kickin’ right now, then that is what I should concern myself with.  How often I miss God’s blessing in the present because I was somewhere else. 

I found out this past week that my mom has cancer. It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and all of my family ever since. I have been praying a lot for her and all of us since I found out and would ask if you are reading this to pray also. I will probably write something soon about my mother as my next post, but I don't know when that will be. Thanks to all of you who read my blog and thanks for praying. God bless!

Strongholds

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the defense (stronghold) of my life; Whom shall I dread? ” (Psalm 27:1, NASB)

Maybe it is because I am stubborn, or just resistant to change, but I spent a lot of time looking up the word “stronghold” in several different resources simply because each definition I saw did not fit with what I thought the definition was!  I am glad I stuck with that process because it made me realize, and in a sense meditate on the word and what it truly means.  I had always thought that a stronghold was some mysterious force that had an overpowering grip on me.  I used the word loosely to label some struggle or difficulty I was experiencing in my life.  As I kept reading various definitions, I had enlightenment.  As part of the definition, a stronghold is a “place”, or a “location”.  The Free Dictionary online (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/) defines stronghold as “a fortified place or a fortress” The second definition is stated as “a place of survival or refuge”.

When I finally accepted that basic definition, I begin to realize how important having that perspective was to my understanding of the true nature of a stronghold.  I was inspired by reading a simple verse from God’s Word (Psalm 27:1, see above). The New American Standard Bible (NASB) translation uses the word “defense” but the English Standard Version (ESV) translation uses the word “stronghold”.  Reading the word stronghold as a place makes God the place where I go for refuge or protection.  In war terminology a stronghold is “a defensible place or a fortress”.  The Psalms (especially those written by David) use this type of war imagery and analogy quite often when speaking about spiritual things.

At many times in my life there have been several places of refuge that I would resort to in an effort to protect myself or hide: lust in all its variations, sexual gratification, isolation, anger, lying,—the list goes on and on.  In the midst of my sexual addiction, these places were my strongholds.  Essentially my stronghold was the World and the beliefs, philosophies, and powers contained therein.  I would go there very often in a vain attempt to find solace, comfort, or refuge.

However, there is so much hope found in Psalm 27:1 as well as many other places in God’s Word.  The Lord God Almighty is my place of refuge, my stronghold!  I have this vision of God as a fortified, invincible castle in which I reside.  When I am there, there is no reason for fear.  There may be an onslaught of turmoil (adversaries, enemies, temptations, etc.) waiting outside for me seeking to destroy me, but as long as I am in the protection of the Stronghold, I am safe.  The Lord is my “Light”.  The Lord is my “Salvation”.  The Lord is my “Stronghold”!  May I reside there forever!

Celebrating Recovery at NLC: Step 3 Practical Applications

This was so good, I coudn't resist posting it on my blog.  A dear friend taught about Step 3 and Principle 3 in our Celebrate Recovery Meeting on Monday night and it was truly inspiring! I am very proud of you dude!  Check it out!

Celebrating Recovery at NLC: Step 3 Practical Applications: "Practical surrender: Reminders for ACTION - “B’s Attitudes”(from Assimilation Coach and Men's Mixed Issues small group leader - Br..."

All of Me

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21, NASB)

"...and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:9-11, NASB)

Jesus wants all of me.  In my own strength and in my own way, I am woefully inadequate (in matter of fact, I am powerless) to do anything God would have me to do in thought, word, or deed.  Whether it is prayer, worship, relating to my wife or to a friend, ministry, forgiveness, eating sleeping…, whatever I may do, I need Christ Jesus to do it in me.  Everyday I wake up in the morning I am faced with a choice: Do I begin to tackle the myriad of tasks that await me in my career, at home, in ministry, in service, or do I spend time with the Lord to gain perspective, strength, courage, and direction to do His will?  The answer seems obvious, but how often I am deceived into thinking that somehow I can accomplish God’s will in my own strength! What a fallacy!! What pride!

I need God in every nook and cranny of my life.  Even in those things that seem so routine and mundane, they will fall flat with no power and efficacy if done without the presence of Almighty God.  Jesus wants all of me all of the time.  He is my strength.  He is my confidence.  He is my courage.  He is everything to me.  My prayer today is that all of that is realized in my experience.

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NASB)

Grace

“For by grace you have been saved through faith: and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God: not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10, NASB)

God knows me and understands me perfectly and also accepts me and forgives me continually.  God’s love is absolute toward me and his acceptance of me and forgiveness of me is immutable in Christ.  These truths gave me much hope during the darkest times in my life.  When I felt unlovable and far from God because of my sin, I knew that God still loved me despite His full knowledge and understanding of me, and that He accepted and forgave me in Christ.

When I was in the throes of sexual sin, not a single day passed that I was not engaged in some sort of physical acting out (and sometimes several times a day).  It is an amazing thing to realize that none of that was hidden from God’s knowledge and yet His grace through Christ forgave me and His acceptance of me never wavered.  I was learning the lessons of grace.  I don’t think I will ever fully comprehend the breadth and enormity of the love of God.  I get a better understanding of His love though, as I better understand how much He hates sin (He cannot even have it in His presence) and yet He was willing to suffer humiliation, ridicule, rejection, pain, and ultimately death, to open up the Way to restore my relationship to Him. 

I often think of the death of Christ with much love and appreciation for what He was willing to endure on my behalf, for my good.  However, I am beginning to realize that His death had implications far beyond my initial understanding.  His death meant complete and utter separation from God in every way!  What he must have endured during that separation is unimaginable!  God did what it took as a holy God to be able to have a relationship with me.  I can scarcely wrap my mind around it!   It inspires me to continue to seek more of Him daily and to surrender more and more of my life to Him in love. 

So far in my journey of discovery in God’s Word, there has been only one passage of Scripture that moved me to tears when I read it and the Holy Spirit gave me a deeper understanding of it.  That passage is Ephesians 3:16-19 which reads “…that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.” 

Thoughts: Part 2

Temptations

Temptation is NOT sin.  It has sometimes been difficult for me to buy into the truth of that statement.  I know this to be truth because our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ while He was here on earth was tempted just as we are, yet without sin.  The specific instance of His forty-day fasting and prayer session in the wilderness and then being tempted by Satan is well documented in the Scriptures (Matthew 4, Luke 4, etc.).  It only makes sense too that this was not the only instance in which Jesus was tempted.  I am sure he faced the same day-to-day temptations as we do.  He subjected Himself to temptations so He could experience fully what it is to be human, so He could be sympathetic in every way to what we experience in the flesh.


I know that in my struggle against sexual sin, the temptations can sometimes be so intense that it is easy to believe that I have committed a sin, but in reality it is simply a strong temptation, an urging to do something or think in a certain way, or to say something.  Where does this urging come from?  The intensity of the temptation can make me believe (and truly feel) that it emanates from my body.  I am tempted in the flesh but my body is simply the vehicle for the expression of sin.  The reality is that it is more accurately a mental obsession.  I find myself falling into an established pattern of faulty thinking and believing.  The temptation is in the mind long before it ever is enacted in my body.  I have proven this to myself on several occasions.  I am a very impatient driver.  There, I said it.  It is true.  When somebody cuts me off in traffic or does something stupid and dangerous, my mind goes into overdrive.  I immediately have a flood of thoughts and emotions that seem to take over my being.  I am angry, and have very vivid thoughts about how an interaction with that person might play out if I had the chance stop and talk with them.  Despite everything that is going on in my mind and emotions in that moment, if I for just a minute divert my thinking elsewhere, the intensity of feeling and the thoughts I am having dissipate.  It is as if it never happened.  But as soon as I turn my thoughts back to the crazy driver, the intense emotions come flooding back.  If this were something that originated in my body, then the intensity would be there all the time, not just when I am “thinking” about it.

When a tempting thought comes to my mind or when I find myself in the throes of an intense temptation, what I am thinking in my mind is very real.  It is almost as if it is happening already.   But a simple assertion in my own mind that it is simply a thought and trusting God to redirect my thoughts is almost always enough to put my mind right again.  I can let it go and surrender it to God for what it is.  It is simply a thought; a thought that simply doesn’t need to be acted on.  No matter how intense the thought, it is always simply just a thought.  I can feel like I am in bondage sometimes, held captive to my thoughts, but there is always a choice.  Do I choose to believe and act on the deceptive thought, or do I choose to believe the truth of God’s Word which tells me that “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, Who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

Thoughts: Part 1

Everything I decide to do or to believe begins somewhere in the not so distant past with a single thought.  Multiple thoughts in succession together form a particular perception or understanding of a situation, or they come together to establish belief patterns that shape every aspect of my life.  If the thoughts I have are not based on Truth, then those perceptions, understanding, and belief patterns I have are not true.  The nature of my thoughts can range anywhere from a subtle suggestion in my mind, all the way to a conclusion I have drawn on the basis of deliberate reasoning.  Often it is the subtle suggestions that pass through my mind that are the most powerful (whether good or evil).  Sometimes even what I think is a well-reasoned conclusion, can be fraught with error if the reasoning is not based in Truth.  How very powerful are all our thoughts!  It’s no wonder that it is in our thoughts, in our mind, where the devil seeks to first, gain influence and then ultimately, control. 

I think it is very clear in Romans 12:1-2 that I am to learn to think how God thinks.  The more I train my mind to think like God thinks, the more I am able to discern His will.  It is also clear that changing the way I think is a process, not something that will happen instantaneously.  Nonetheless, it is a command, an instruction from God’s Word—do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. 

I have learned how to use several different tools in my quest to renew my mind and to change the way that I think.  The most important one of these tools is really a pair of ideas that work together—memorization of and meditation on Scripture.  There is absolutely no substitute for this dynamic duo if I am truly seeking to renew my mind.  Memorization gives the Truth a permanent home in my mind, while meditation gives me understanding of that Truth as the Holy Spirit of God brings it to my heart.

As for memorization, I have tried a lot of different ideas—Scripture written on note cards placed in strategic places like in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc.  I have also simply compiled a list of scriptures in a document that I use during my quiet time.  If it is a particularly long passage, I will typically just memorize one short segment at a time.  Although very short, something as simple as “If God is for us, who is against us?” holds tremendous power!  I have been amazed at how often God will bring to mind those memorized passages in situations when I need that particular encouragement or reminder or strength.

Meditation is what makes memorization so effective.  It is one thing if I have an intellectual grasp of a passage from God’s Word, but it is an entirely different thing for God to reveal to me a personal Truth and give me understanding.  This is what meditation does.  I get quiet before the Lord and ask Him to speak to me through His Word, and a Scriptural passage “comes alive” in my heart.  I get wisdom, I understand.  My mind is being renewed.

Secrets

In recovery I have learned that “You are only as sick as your secrets”.

I have always had a strong sense of faith even from childhood.  I enjoyed going to church, reading the Bible, and studying and thinking about religious and spiritual things.  I still do.  I am not exactly sure where all of that came from.  I am sure some of it came from my mother who had us kids go to church fairly regularly when I was growing up.  Some of it came from my own curiosity—things I had read or heard on television, radio programs, etc.  One thing I am sure of is that deep in my heart I knew that God existed, that He loved me, and He implanted in my heart a desire to know Him and have a relationship with Him.  I instinctively knew that before I was formally taught about it from God’s Word.  I believe that is true for all of us.

However, I was also vividly aware of the apparent conflict between my spiritual desire and the desire of my flesh.  The inordinate attractions I was feeling were in direct opposition to what I knew to be the Truth in my spirit.  No one had to tell me that homosexuality was a sin—I knew it!  Then I read Romans 1:18-32 for the first time. It was as if God through His Word was speaking directly to me about my own experience.  I knew God had lead me to that passage of scripture.  Just having the simple knowledge of the problem however, was not enough for me to overcome the sin in my life.  So I struggled against it in my own strength, failing time and time again, almost always to the point of despair.  My denial did not take the form of not believing I had a problem, but rather the form of feeling I could handle it on my own.  That somehow I could be the master of the intense temptations that marked my life every day without fail.  So instead of seeking help, I kept it to myself, away from family, friends, church, and later in life, even from my wife.  There were periods of time when it even felt like I was keeping it from myself—maintaining a denial simply by pretending it wasn’t a problem and living a life cloaked in a shroud of deception.  I struggled daily from childhood into adulthood with little or no success.  Any success I had was fleeting and was the result of employing sheer willpower which ultimately was not enough.  My self-will always sent me back to the desire of my flesh.

In my college years I got involved with a college ministry and soon discovered that I really did not have an understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I came to understand that I inherited a sinful nature just by being a part of the human race, a descendent of the first man, Adam.  I came to understand that there was nothing in my power that could change that, and that my inclination was to sin.  After hearing that message clearly for the first time, I accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior, trusting Him to forgive me of my sins through His shed bled and sacrificial death on the Cross, and to make me into a new person.  He did just that. I knew I was saved. I knew I was a child of the Living God.  But try as I might, the sexual sin in my life persisted.  I began to realize in my own experience, the same experience Paul wrote about in Romans 7:14-25. 

So I continued in denial for many years.  When I got into a recovery program (at the recommendation of a dear friend and brother in Christ) and learned of the value of sharing with other believers the struggles and difficulties of life, I began to realize that the power of sin in my life began to weaken.  There is a tremendous sense of freedom in allowing someone else to bear your burden with you just through the simple act of honestly sharing it with them.  In the past guilt and shame kept me from sharing this fault of mine with anyone, even those closest to me.  What powerful tools of the enemy are GUILT and SHAME!  It takes a lot of courage for me to admit to anyone that I have a problem with anything.  The sin of homosexuality in my life was especially difficult to share.  Up until the time that I first shared about it in a group of believers in the recovery group, there was nothing in my life that even came close to being as difficult!  Fear of rejection and ridicule can be so intense that it will keep you from sharing.  However, the measure of freedom from my addiction and the strength I have found through being honest about my struggles, make the effort worth while. 

I rely on God’s strength to live my life each and every day.  There is no other way.  I make a conscious decision each morning to surrender my life to Him.  I am also committed to being as honest and open as possible about my struggles through accountability with other believers.  Allowing the Light of God to shine brightly on all areas of my life is the true secret of FREEDOM.  The road of life doesn’t always take the turns I think it should, but surrendering to and obeying God is the only way to experience God’s best. “Not my will, but His be done”.

Control?

Just yesterday, I was reminded that no matter how carefully and thoughtfully I plan my day, God sometimes has a few surprises for me which I believe are designed specifically to teach me something about myself or to grow me spiritually in some way.  By all accounts the day was typical, until I arrived home for lunch to discover that the water heater in the garage was leaking.  There was water in the garage closet where the water heater is located, on the floor of the garage, and I subsequently found water in the house in the closet of the master bathroom and into the bathroom.  Needless to say, this situation produced a certain amount of anxiety on the one hand, but on the other hand, it gave me an opportunity to trust God, to put into practice letting God be in control of my life.  So I proceeded to thank God for the situation and ask His guidance on how to respond.  I called a professional plumbing company and was told that they would page a technician who would then call me.  After about half an hour or so, I had not gotten a call.  After cleaning up the bathroom and garage as much as possible and turning off the water, I had to go meet a friend and get back to work.

After finishing at work, I thought for certain that the company I had called would have called back, but they had not.  When I called them again, I was told the same thing and after about another hour, I still had not received a phone call.  Since it was Friday, I essentially gave up on getting this problem resolved before the weekend.  When I had reached the point of giving up and throwing my hands in the air, I get a phone call.  Of course it is the call I was awaiting.  I explained the problem and was told that he could come out on Saturday morning and take care of replacing the heater for me.

After I got a little satisfaction from that exchange, I stepped on the floor in a certain part of the kitchen and noticed that the floor "gave way" and made a cracking sound.  How does a tile floor "give way"?  This happens if the adhesive underneath the tile is no longer effective and a "bubble" develops between the tile and the subfloor!  At this point my stress level is pretty high, but I am still trying to trust God with all my might!  I had recently read in a devotional I use for meditation that "...a life lived close to ME (Christ) will never be dull or predictable.  Expect each day to contain surprises!"  I read it at the time with sincerity, but had no idea it was going to be programmed into my life in such a real way.

In twelve-step recovery programs, the idea of control of one's life is talked about a lot.  How easy it is to forget that God is ultimately sovereign in my life and He is in control.  I do not know what each day will bring, but I do know that the safest place to be is by His side.  The first three lines of the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...) convey several ideas one of which is that some things in life are simply not in my control.  No matter how hard I may try I can never predict something like a water heater going "on the fritz" or my tile floor coming undone.  These things simply happen and are a part of life.  Taken to another level, I cannot control other people either.  People are going to do what they make up their minds to do.  I spent a lot of years thinking I could control others and make them do or behave in the way I wanted them to.  Some people would allow themselves to be manipulated in one way or another and I would take advantage of that as a way to control them, but ultimately I could really never “make” them do anything.  It produced more frustration in me than it did satisfaction.

So, how does all of this relate to the overall message of this blog?  It is simply this: on those days when nothing is routine, nothing is going as it normally does, everything is unpredictable, when my life seems out of control, those are the times when I "acted out".  It was a way to escape the madness of everything that was going on, to put it out of my mind and focus on something pleasurable.  It was an attempt to be in control of something.  Not being in control of my circumstances is an extremely uncomfortable place to be.  When life is routine, I get lulled into a sense of security that is based on me thinking that I am in control, but when through life circumstances it becomes apparent that I am NOT in control, I am lost.  I am learning to rely on Christ for my security in all situations, good or bad, so when the walls start tumbling down in life, I lean even harder on the God who never changes, the God of Peace who reminds me in Philippians 4:6-7 to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NASB)

I Believe...

I Believe…

What I believe already may be apparent from what you have read thus far.  I believe in the same God who spoke into existence all that is, who moved across the face of the deep at Creation, who created the first man and the first woman, who parted the Red Sea for Moses and the children of Israel.  My God is sovereign, holy, righteous, all-knowing, all-powerful, and present everywhere at the same time all of the time.  He is bigger than even can be imagined.  There are aspects of God I will never fully understand in this lifetime nor even in the life to come.  God created me for His enjoyment and for me to fellowship with Him and to worship Him. 

Jesus Christ is God!  He is the Son of God who laid aside his privilege as God to come to earth as a man so that He could identify with each and every one of us (and that includes me).  He chose to endure ridicule, taunting, torture, and ultimately death in order that he might satisfy the righteous judgment of a holy God on behalf of those who believe in Him and trust Him to save them (and that includes me).  I am a child of that Living God.  God loves me and accepts me only in Christ Jesus His Son.  God speaks to me in my conscience, through His written Word, through other people, and in my heart and spirit by His Holy Spirit abiding in me and leading me into all Truth.  The Holy Bible is God’s Word of Truth given to me for edification and encouragement, correction, judgment and instruction for living a life of holiness and truth.  My God is Love!

God's Holy Word often requires something of me that I do not fully understand and that may be quite difficult.  Just because I do not understand it fully or it is difficult to accept, doesn't mean somehow that it is wrong, that God is in error.  I say with Paul that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  It is true that there is nothing good in me; that is, in my flesh. Nothing!  So I rely completely on Christ to accomplish in me what he requires of me.  I believe that is what it means to be a Christian, to truly follow Christ.

I fully acknowledge my need for Him.  I choose to allow Him lordship over my life.  He indeed is my life.  I am a Christian.  This is what I believe.

The Beginning

There are a lot of voices in the world today.  Political, social, economic, religious voices (to name a few) are all screaming loudly to gain an audience and a following.  This can be very easily verified simply by going to any bookstore and observing the myriad of different opinions and viewpoints represented by the various literary offerings on the shelves.  You can turn on the television and click through the channels to find even more varied topics to feast upon.  Not a day goes by that I don't hear from the media about a lot of different opinions on government and politics, social and lifestyle issues, religion and spiritual concerns, and any number of other issues on which we crave perspective. 

With such a wide array of perspectives on all of these issues, it is easy to become confused, or complacent, or even angry.  All of those reactions can intensify (depending on your own personal views and to what extent you hold them) as the discussion and debate continues.  Confusion, because of the sheer number of differing views.  Complacency, because you may not care one way or another.  Anger, because you hold a view strongly due to moral conviction and spiritual belief and you have grown tired of remaining silent while the whole world seemingly ignores the Truth. I think I fit in this last category!

My goal in this blog is to "put out there" what I believe is the "Voice of Truth" by sharing my voice in a variety of ways (personal experiences and recollections, my source of strength and hope, stories, etc.) with those who share my beliefs and to encourage those who can relate to my story.  Regardless of why you are reading this blog, I hope that what you read here will inspire you to maintain your convictions in such a diverse and confusing world.  If your view is different from mine, then I hope that you will approach these thoughts with an open mind.

Homosexuality and the so-called "homosexual agenda" have gotten a lot of attention in the mainstream and Christian media recently.  The specific issues of gay marriage, same-sex unions, gays in the military and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" among others, have gotten a lot of media attention of late.  Television programs, radio programs, internet sites, blogs, etc. have focused a lot of time and energy on these issues.  Though my story is intensely personal, and generally I am a very private person, I am convinced that it is very important for me to add in a small way a little balance to the debate; hence, the current blog.  I do this for no other reason than that I have a conviction in my spirit to do so, an urging to add a different perspective to what I believe is largely missing in a lot of the public debate: that there are people in this world (including me) who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, who based on their Christian beliefs view acting on those feelings as a sin, a moral transgression against the will of God.  I know that particular view runs contrary to the contemporary mainstream cultural sentiment in the world today and this is precisely why I feel that my perspective will add some much needed balance to the discussion.  In my opinion one of the reasons this perspective gets little or no attention from the media is that the world has its own agenda which is contrary to God's agenda and purposes.  The world has been blinded by a deceptive spirit and will continue to be so as long as it is under the influence of the evil one.

I feel I can no longer remain silent about this issue.  I hope it will become clear as you continue to read in the upcoming days, weeks, years, etc. that my view is uncompromising and based on an intensely personal faith in Jesus Christ.  I make no apologies for what I believe.  Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and despite all of the struggles, failures, and hardships I have gone through and continue to go through, I know that He is the only true God and he is my God.  I have a genuine personal and living relationship with Him.  He offers forgiveness to me (and to you) in ALL areas of my life. He has the power to restore to me (and to you) a life of peace, joy, contentment, and love.  It is because of the mercy, grace, and love of Christ that I have a measure of freedom from this type of bondage and deception.  This blog is dedicated to Him.