In The Light

“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.  If we say we have fellowship in Him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.” (1 John 1:5-7, NASB)

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16, NASB)

I remember the first time I shared my struggle against same-sex attraction in a small open share group in Celebrate Recovery.  Next to confessing all of this to my wife, it was the single most difficult thing I had ever done.  The idea of confessing this fault to a group of men whom I did not know was very scary.  As each man shared openly about his struggle with alcohol, drugs, anger and other issues, I sat quietly and thought how brave these guys were to share their lives in such an open and honest way.  But as for me, I just remember feeling like I wanted to jump up and bolt from the room!  It finally came around to my opportunity to share and it was as if the Holy Spirit said “it is now or never.”  I do not remember the specifics of what I shared but I am sure I used the word “homosexuality” or “same-sex attraction” or “same-sex lust” in describing how I had sinned against God.  I think I expected groans and murmurings in response to what I shared.  I must have expected half the men to get up and run from the room themselves in disgust (which is honestly what I felt like doing).  But instead, they all thanked me for sharing, said that they were glad I was there, and they went on to the next person!

For the first time in my entire life I had shared with someone other than myself or God my struggle with “same sex-lust” (which is how I characterize the issue today).  Until then, the sin lay lurking in the darkness of denial with a vice-like grip on my soul.  Shame and guilt in the shadows dared me to reveal this to anyone.  The blackness of fear had a stranglehold on my spirit. Sharing grew easier with each successive week as I found love and acceptance in those with whom I shared.  Then a miracle happened.  For the first time in my life of forty years, I began to realize in my experience a measure of freedom from this addiction.  As I daily kept the truth about myself in the light of God’s presence and as I honestly shared in the light of other sincere believers, SIN loosened its grip.  One day of sexual sobriety turned into two days, then three, and before long I was staying sober.  I am thoroughly convinced that the power against this sin and the freedom from its bondage that I enjoy today started with the simple act of honestly sharing my struggle with others.

It is not as if I have no struggles anymore.  I am confronted daily with temptations to sin in the flesh (which is how I measure my sobriety). The battle for my mind is also a nagging daily occurrence trying to entice me to obsess about lustful things.  But I know that Christ reigns in me to empower me to defeat those things in my mental and physical life.  Although I have a length of physical sobriety, it is in the area of lust (my thoughts and my eyes) where the battle continues.  If I am progressively winning the battle there, I know the physical war is won.  This is why I must keep my life in the Light.  There is no other way.

My prayer for today is for the courage to continue to expose sin for what it is and to share that truth with others. By confessing honestly to God and others about sin in my life I stay in God’s presence and he continually cleanses me from sin.  I have fellowship with other believers and with Him.  May it continue to be so.

A Steadfast Mind

“The steadfast of mind He will keep in perfect peace because he trusts in You.” (Isaiah 26:3, NASB)

I meditated on this Biblical passage this morning.  It speaks to me about the battle that is raging for control of my mind.  All of the spiritual attack I have been experiencing lately has been centered on creating doubts in my mind about one thing or another—Is God purposefully engaged in and controlling my life, has He truly “taken me on”?  Am I in God’s will for my home life, work life, ministry, etc.?  I have to continually reaffirm that what I am doing, how I am living my life is what God would have me to do.  The World is shouting a different message to me.  Being steadfast of mind comes only as I stay my focus on God’s presence with me.  Whenever I get away from that, I feel ill-at-ease, uncomfortable, and vulnerable to the schemes of the devil and the error of the World’s thinking.  I have to remember that God and His Word are faithful, true, and unchanging.

I have chosen to live my life according to what I believe is God’s calling for me.  That life looks different from the lives of those living for the World.  There would be cause for concern if it didn’t look different!  I am a man who is tempted with the sin of homosexuality.  I do not fully know why I am tempted, but I do know that neither homosexuality nor any other deception of the World defines who I am.  It is not God’s will or design for me or anyone else.  I do not self-identify with the labels of “gay” or “homosexual” any more than someone who is not tempted as I am would identify with the label of “heterosexual”.  Heterosexual is just a word designed to be in contrast with the word homosexual. 

I am who my Father in heaven says I am: a child of the Living God, a godly man who is seeking the heart of Christ daily.  I live my life by faith as God would have me to do so, not based on someone else’s determination of what my life should be.  God has a plan for my life that doesn’t take into account anything that anyone thinks, and therefore I don’t care what anyone else thinks about my life!  I am accountable to God and God alone.  Within God’s sovereignty I am certainly accountable to the people and institutions He has placed in my life—my wife, parents, church leaders, godly friends, government, etc.—but ultimately my allegiance and accountability is toward God.  I must do His will.

I have to live my life by faith trusting God that He knows what is best for me.  The pride and arrogance of my flesh wants to fully understand before it submits and it is constantly trying to dictate how I should live my life.  But God is Creator and I am created.  My only duty and pleasure is to trust Him and obey Him.  God have mercy on me if I don’t.