Merry Christmas!

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. (John 17:3, NASB)

My purpose in life is to know God and to make Him known; to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others as I love myself.  I often get caught up in the "other things" of life, a plethora of daily activities most of which are necessary to live out this life here on earth.  But all that is really required is my relationship with Jesus.  I am not saying that those other things are bad in and of themselves, indeed they are necessary, but when they become the focus at the expense of the greater thing (my personal relationship with Jesus), then they become evil, or at the very least, meaningless endeavors.

With each new day I become more acutely aware of my need for Jesus.  Spending time with Him in Bible reading, prayer, and self-examination is not a luxury I allow myself or a simple ritual, rather it is basic.  It is where I gain the strength to follow His will.  It is where I experience God's transforming power in my life; the power to forgive, to love, to show mercy, to walk in the Spirit so I do not carry out the desire of the flesh.  My sponsor reminded me a few days ago that all I have to offer God is brokenness; that is the only acceptable sacrifice I can offer God. I can't offer Him my flesh hoping that somehow it will change into something good.  God has made it clear that there is nothing good in me, in my flesh.  I can and should offer God my body as alive from the dead but under the control and direction of the Holy Spirit.  The Bible says I should offer the members of my body to Him as instruments of righteousness to be used by God for His purposes.  I am still learning and re-learning that my life is not my own, that I was bought with a price.  My flesh relentlessly seeks to satisfy itself with no regard for God or others.  Actively, consciously, and continually turning control of my life over to God is the answer.  This is difficult! No, it is impossible except by the grace of Almighty God.  It is a gift from His hands just as much as salvation through Jesus Christ is a free gift of His grace.

My prayer is for more of God's grace to be able to do what is required of me in every area of this life with which God has blessed me.  May everything that I think, say, and do bring Him glory.  During this Christmas season I continue to accept God's most precious gift to me, His Son, Jesus the Christ.  He is the greatest gift I have ever received and my heart says "Thank You!"

Holy Sexuality (Batman)!

This post is from the Exodus International Blog dated September 27, 2012

Holy Sexuality (Batman)!

Am I Convinced of the Love and Goodness of God?

It is a very important question.  For me, the question easily could have been "Am I convinced of the love and goodness of my wife, my father, my friends?"  My wife and I during a recent argument (which I like to refer to as "passionate discussions") discussed this very issue as it related to us.  The honest answer for me was, no I am not 100% convinced of the love anyone says they have for me, not 100% of the time.  The reason I say that is that my actions indicate that I am not convinced.  I think it is just a moment to moment thing.  In a weak moment when I am feeling threatened in some way, or someone sins against me, or inadvertently does something that wrongs me in some way, it is easy to feel unloved.  This happens to me all the time.  It is a learned behavior.  My defenses go up immediately and I try to protect myself by distancing myself from the offender.  I assume they do not love me and don't care so I tell myself this person is unsafe and cannot be trusted, and therefore does not love me.

One of the greatest lessons I am learning in recovery is the blessings that come from being vulnerable enough to trust another person with something very personal and sacred.  Being vulnerable has a lot of risks that come along with it, but the rewards are priceless.  I risk the possibility of being betrayed, the possibility of being ridiculed, the possibility of being gossiped about, and the list goes on and on.  The rewards though are great.  There is great freedom in unburdening myself from the load of past failures, hurts, regrets, current struggles and concerns.  The load is much easier to bear when someone comes along side me to help me bear it.  Once I go down that road though, the possibility of being hurt again increases.  The relationship that I establish with the person in whom I confide grows and is tried and tested as situations and circumstances present themselves and life happens.  That is the nature of relationships we have with others.

It is basically the same when it comes to my relationship with God.  The only difference is that God can be trusted 100%.  However, the questions I ask myself is do I really believe that, and if so, why do my actions belie that so much of the time?  The answer is that I do truly believe it, just as I do in the important relationships with other people in my life, but at times I doubt it.  This is where God is patient and kind and lovingly brings me along through various situations and circumstances where He proves His love and faithfulness to me.  I believe He delights in doing so.  Time after time He brings me through a particular situation where it is obvious that He is demonstrating His love for me. Through those trials, I learn that He can be trusted, that He is good, even when it seems He is not.  God causes all things, the seemingly good and bad, to work together for my good.  I believe the whole of life is preparation for Kingdom living, learning how to relate to God and to others as God would have me to.  When asked which is the great commandment in the Law, Jesus replied "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the great and foremost commandment.  The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22: 37-40).  It all starts with submitting to Him as the authority in my life, my Creator, my loving and gracious heavenly Father. He is good and His lovingkindness is everlasting. (Psalm 106: 1).

The Struggle Within Me

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not" (Romans 7:18, NASB)

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary" (Galatians 6:9, NASB)

My flesh is consistent and persistent.  It wants what it wants, when it wants it.  It wants to be lazy first thing in the morning.  It wants to lust just before I start my quiet time in the morning and sometimes during it.  It is very controlling and manipulating and has no regard for other people.  I believe God when He declares that "...nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh..." The Bible doesn't teach me to strive against the flesh on its terms, but rather to remove the flesh from the equation all together through faith by setting my mind on the Spirit and counting the flesh as dead.  The world tries to convince me that living in the Spirit (thinking about God, meditating on Scripture, and talking to God all day long) is extreme and fanatical, but that is the only way I have peace in my heart and victory over sin in my life.  It may be extreme and fanatical but that is what God has called me to and I will gladly do it to have the relationship with Almighty God that I have.  I am not perfect at it (no one is), but that is what I strive for every day.  Sometimes I feel like quitting, but I keep fighting the battle of faith because God has promised to me life eternal and an abundant life right here and now.  Don't give up!

The Important Things

"Come now, you who say 'Tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow, you are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'" (James 4:13-15, NASB)

"Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil.  So then, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." (Ephesians 5:15-17, NASB)

The news of my cousin Sheila's death has got me thinking about eternal things.  The things that really matter that I so often take for granted have come to the front of my mind.  I am becoming increasingly aware that there are many sideline activities in my life that rob me of precious time I could be using doing more important things.  It is not so much that these diversions in my life are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but to the extent that they hinder my progress, or rob me of opportunities to do greater things, I have to consider them idols.  TV, the Internet, video games, are all diversions I allow myself as a way to relax, or recreate, but there is always the danger that they will crowd out those things that I still have a strong desire to accomplish spiritually, relationally, and even professionally.

Time is a commodity that I take for granted so easily.  I just assume that I am going to wake up each morning and have the full day to do whatever it is I desire.  What a tremendous source of pride and arrogance!  Each day is a gift, each moment is to be treasured, every breath I take, I take only by the grace and mercy of Almighty God.  Thank you Lord for waking me up this morning.

Sad news

I don't really know what to write today.  I just received news from my mother that my cousin who is about the same age as me, passed away today.  I do not know any of the details about how she died, but it certainly reminded me how fragile life is, that I am not guaranteed tomorrow.  A lot of recovery thoughts have flooded my mind: living one day at a time, trusting God for each moment of each day, etc.  But more than anything, the importance of knowing where I stand before the Lord is so important and that being settled, I need to be about the Lord's business--telling others about Him.  I know that I am called to serve Him in the area of recovery and specifically with those struggling with same sex attractions, but I can't help but think that His purpose for my life is even higher than that.  I pray that my zeal for telling the truth about the issue of same sex attraction and lust never gets in the way of loving people and telling them the even greater truth of God's love for all people.  May I show compassion and love for those who struggle in the same way that I do and for everyone else.  I believe all recovery issues matter to the Lord, but through everything I think, say, and do, I must have love otherwise it is all for nothing.  Lord please help me to remember that.

I will miss my cousin and I pray that she has a home in my Father's Kingdom, in His presence for all of eternity.

Reflections on My Walk with the Lord

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NASB)

"Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16, NASB)

Over the last five years God has directed me into some things that have become the primary activities of my life; almost without me even noticing.  I believe that my leadership in Celebrate Recovery, my work in Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, my job structure at the college where I teach (part time classroom teaching and part time administrative work), and the list of the many other aspects of routine activities in my life, have been ordained by God.  This is the life He has called me to.  In some ways I feel I am uniquely gifted to perform the duties of each of these responsibilities, but in many other ways I feel inadequate.  Knowing however, that God has called me to these things at this stage in my life encourages me to tackle each day in His strength.  It is not the life I envisioned over 25 years ago when I set out to conquer the world as a naive college student completely focused on what I wanted to "do" rather than what I needed to "be".  But it is the life that fulfills the real longings of my heart: peace, freedom, love, acceptance, joy, and hope.  Don't get me wrong, I struggle each and every day with various things to varying degrees, but I know in my heart that God has "taken me on" and is working in my life to reveal the true me He created me to be.  For that, and so much more, I am thankful today.

Change

"Change isn't the absence of struggle, it's the freedom in the midst of that struggle to make a different decision"

Alan Chambers, President, Exodus International
Exodus Freedom Conference
Opening Night General Session
Saint Paul, Minnesota
June 28, 2012

"...accepting hardship as a pathway to peace."

As a young man growing up in Georgia, all I could think about was graduating from high school, going to college to study music, and then living out the remainder of my life as a high school band director.  I was absolutely certain that was the way my life was going to play out.  I did graduate high school, and I did go to college, and I did study music.  It wasn't until my tuba professor at college, Dr. David Randolph, encouraged me to pursue performance and college teaching did I ever entertain the idea of doing anything else with my life.  Sure, I did investigate other career paths while I was a high school student (engineering, military science, and others) but nothing captivated my heart and spirit like music.   I knew I was good at it and I sincerely wanted to share that gift with others through teaching.  I had just assumed that high school teaching was the only avenue available to me.

Dr. Randolph convinced me otherwise.  He must have seen in me something I was unable or unwilling to see in myself at the time.  He was convinced that I had the talent and skill to become a successful college tuba teacher.  So I pursued that route.  I did teach high school band for three years and quickly realized that I would slowly go mad, or slowly die from the ill health effects of the stress and aggravation of secondary education.  Someone once told me that teaching would be the best job in the world if it wasn't for the students.  But to be honest, the students weren't the problem; it was the parents, the administrators, the community, and my colleagues that were the problem.  Band directing was a constant hassle and source of headaches, high blood pressure, sleepless nights, among other bad things.  This career was the calling of some people but certainly not for me.  I will always remember and thank Dr. Randolph for helping me to see that I could do something else.

The long and short of it is that I did become a college tuba professor (and band director) and I absolutely loved it!  I believed I had found my true calling in life.  For the first time in my life I was doing something every day that I enjoyed and I was getting paid for doing it.  I taught at a college up North for six years (three years part time while I was pursuing my doctorate degree, and three years full time).  I then moved back to the south to a state I thought I would never have opportunity to travel through much less live in, Arkansas.  A great career opportunity opened up there and I begin teaching tuba and band on the college level full time.  Something told me even those eleven years ago that I was at home.  I had my dream job: doing my first love which was band directing, but also doing private tuba teaching.  All of this was wrapped up in a neat and tidy job that I truly loved.  I was making a name for myself.  I got to know many of the music educators in the state, and I was making a lot of professional connections.  I was playing recitals, and serving on the campus and in the community.  I had a beautiful, loving wife who went with me everywhere I wanted to go professionally without complaining.  I dragged her literally around the globe kicking and screaming.  This was difficult for a woman who was born, raised, schooled, and lived out all of her life in the same middle Georgia town.  

Life was good, so I thought.  If you know any of my story, then you know that I was living a double life.  I had this horrible secret, so terrible that I dare not share it with anyone not even my wife, for fear of rejection or ridicule.  I struggle with same-sex lustful thoughts and sexual addiction.  I have often thought that if I could just get control of that part of my life, everything would be perfect.  I had the beautiful wife, a nice home, a great career, plenty of good food to eat, but I did not have peace.  I knew the only way to start to have a little peace was to share my struggle with someone else, but I just couldn't do it.  The shame and the guilt had a strangle hold on every aspect of my being.  I knew this struggle I had was not God's will for my life, but at the same time I didn't know how to stop and sometimes I did not want to stop.  I couldn't stop.  I do not know what it is like to be addicted to a chemical substance like alcohol or street drugs, but I can imagine what it is like if it is anything like a sexual addiction.  Whenever the pressures of life would become too much for me to handle, my mind would automatically go to lustful thoughts and I would want to act out in some way either alone or with someone else.  In some strange way, it was medicating to find release in that way.  I found comfort in that "drug".  I was able to escape for a time from reality and pretend that I had no problems or concerns.  In the back of my mind I knew I was going against God's will and He was not pleased with me.  I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame each and every time, but it did not stop me from doing it.  I felt trapped in a vicious cycle of sinning, shame, guilt, repentance, and then sinning again.  I acted out in this manner probably every day of my life as far back as I can remember, sometimes many times a day.

So what does this have to do with "...accepting hardship as a pathway to peace"?  My life came crashing down around me five years ago this month when I was out at a local park seeking my sexual "fix".  I was busted in a sting by local law enforcement for public indecency.  This had actually happened four times previously in different places I have lived.  I was able to hide it from everyone those other times, even my wife.  She knew something was amiss, she just didn't know what it was.  This most recent time though was the worse because it was made very public.  A series of hardships followed:   I thought I was going to lose my wife, my job and career, my home, and anything else I thought was important to me that I had spent years building.  I had no choice but to come clean about everything.  

I was not looking forward to opening up to my wife about all of this.  When I told her, she looked at me with compassion and grace, and I saw a picture of the love and grace of God in her.  She forgave me and said we were in this marriage relationship for better or for worse and that she would be by my side whatever happened.  Wow!  I have not ceased giving God thanks for my wife since that day.  We still have difficulties and battles we fight from time to time but by God's grace we love each other now more than we ever have before.  Our relationship is not one built on my lies and deception, but on God's love, grace, and acceptance and a true admiration, respect and love for each other.

It took over two months to find out what my job fate was.  I truly learned what living one day at a time really means.  At this point I had turned my life over to God and surrendered everything to him.  I had no choice.  My fate was in the justice system and my employers, but really in the hands of Almighty God.  I woke up each day and gave thanks to God for being sovereign in my life, and I lived each day having to trust God each moment in a very real way.  I did not know if I was going to have a job when school started again, but I was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do.  At some point, I think God reassured my heart that I still had my job, but that it was going to be different.  That ended up being the case.  I would no longer teach tuba and band, but now, general music classes.  I accepted this hardship reluctantly and I struggled for a long time with the reality that my career choice was no longer mine to make.  God was showing me something better and I did not even know it at the time.  My true gift of classroom teaching was being revealed as I began working on this new professional endeavor, and I found that I enjoyed it tremendously.  I now have administrative responsibilities as well, something I have always wondered if I would enjoy (and I do).  I am in a great place professionally now, a place I would never have discovered if I had continued trying to live life my own way.

The biggest hardship however is without doubt the constant suffering of temptation I experience on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others, but it is a daily battle I struggle with to date.  It seems strange even to me to say this, but I thank God for the struggle because God is using it keep me close to Him.  Just as I was acting out each day in my sexual addiction in an attempt to satisfy some perceived need, I now depend on God each and every day to supply those needs in His way.  Instead of acting on the impulses, I now resist them in the power of Jesus Christ.  Knowing I have a right relationship with God and I have fellowship with Him has given me more peace that I could have ever imagined possible.  I had to be brought to a place of neediness, powerlessness and surrender before God was able to give me His peace.  Life will continue to have hardships and difficulties, but I know that if I accept them as from the hand of Almighty God, I will experience His peace through them.

"Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time..."

How else can one live?  Is it possible to live two days at the same time?  Of course not!   But I sometimes try to do just that by focusing my attention on the past with its mistakes and failures.  Or I try to control through worry what will happen at some point in the future.  How crazy is that!  God continues to teach me this lesson of "one day at a time" as He did when I first started recovery, when I finally surrendered my life to the Lord.  The temptations to sin that I face each day of my life are a constant reminder of my need for the Lord's strength in every moment.  I have often prayed that God would remove these fleshly temptations from me, but I think they remain because they are a great tutor to keep me close to the Lord, and they keep me from becoming prideful about any changes God has made in my life.  I have to surrender my life to God not just in the morning when I have my quiet time, but also throughout the day; sometimes many, many times each day.  My guard is constantly up, not in a way that produces anxiety but in a way that brings about peace as I focus on the Lord's presence in my life.  When I begin to lose sight of Jesus in my walk with Him, the struggles begin.  As my focus shifts from Him to my past failures or to worries about the future, I feel weighed down and my joy evaporates.  My peace is shaken and I am kept from enjoying what God is doing in the present moment.

I thank God that He has blessed me to have many tools to help me stay focused on the here and now.Spending time regularly with the Lord in prayer, meditation, and reading His Word are my life's highest priority.  I do not mean that I am perfect at it, but I strive to keep these things as of the highest importance because they are the means to develop and grow my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and that is my highest calling!  My prayer today is that I will seek only to know Him more.

"...the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

 "...for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:4-5, NASB)

Of the three things that are possible for me to change (my attitude, my my acceptance, and my actions) I believe what is most needed in my life is a change of attitude or mind.  I need to pay closer attention to those things that quietly steal little pieces of my serenity without me hardly noticing.  It can be something as simple as a passing thought that I allow to take residence in my mind before taking it "...captive to the obedience of Christ."  Just yesterday a friend reminded me during a conversation about recovery that I cannot prevent a bird from flying over my head, but I certainly can stop it from nesting in my hair.

My thought life needs to change.  On the one hand, I bemoan that I have to struggle with same-sex lust/attraction, but on the other hand I have to ask myself how diligent I have been in protecting my mind from the influences that are the source of those temptations.  I need to make a conscious effort to intentionally change my thinking throughout each day.  My mind set needs to be on Christ and the Holy Spirit.  I need to be vigilant about what I allow to enter my mind through various media--TV especially, but also the Internet, radio, printed materials, and even conversations.

I need to pay closer attention to what is happening to me in a subtle way and how those things are affecting my state of mind.  I have often had the experience of feeling unsettled in my spirit and not knowing why.  I have noticed in most cases that by taking a quick inventory of recent events and my thought processes following those events, has shed light on how my peace was taken from me. More often than not, I would simply allow that feeling of unrest to persist through the day without ever realizing what it was that caused me to feel that way.  What I accomplish through journaling each day, I need to apply mentally to circumstances in the heat of battle in the moment.  I need to pay closer attention to what is going on.

This kind of change is not easy to do, and can even be scary, but I will trust in the Lord to give me His wisdom as I endeavor to make these adjustments in my walk with Him.  As a friend so wisely pointed out, courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it.  I will embrace this change of mind for a closer more intimate relationship with my Lord, Jesus Christ.

"...to accept the things I cannot change..."

All of my life I have been told that if something is not right or if I do not like my circumstances or my situation, change them.  I have come to realize that changing those things and changing people is not as simple as it sounds nor is it even desirable that I try.  I cannot change my wife or her behavior, though I try sometimes or get very frustrated when she does not think or act in a way I think she should.  I try to change the students I teach, to get them to place their education on a higher level of importance and priority.  I also get frustrated when they seemingly reject my efforts to instill within them personal values such as personal responsibility, respect for others, being on time, etc.

With my wife especially, but also with those with whom I serve in ministry and with friends, I sometimes do not take what they say (or what they do not say) at face value, often choosing rather to project in my own mind underlying meanings and motivations to what is spoken.  This is a character flaw that I am working on in my recovery.  It is also a subtle form of control and it really messes with my serenity.

I sponsor several guys in this Celebrate Recovery program and ministry and I have to strongly resist my tendency to want to "fix" them.  I give everything I know to give, and I say everything I feel like God has laid on my heart to say to them, and watching some of the suffer needlessly because of poor choices and lack of belief is hard to take.  I want so badly to change them but I know that God is the only one who can change a heart and He can use me (or not) to whatever extent in that process in their lives.  It is the "or not" part I struggle with sometimes.  Not only is it an attempt to control but it is also very prideful!

I have heard the phrase "let go and let God" most of my life, and in all of the areas I have written about today (there are other areas also) it is time to let go.  I sincerely thought I had done just that some time ago, but they have been a source of frustration and even resentment in my recovery recently.  Frustration and resentment have nothing to do with serenity.

My prayer for myself today is that by God's grace, I will accept the fact that there are many people, places, things, circumstances..., I cannot change.  But God can.  May He begin with me.

God, grant me the serenity...

In our leadership meeting for Celebrate Recovery yesterday, our training coach challenged us to take a fresh look at the Serenity Prayer and gain a better appreciation for what we are requesting from God when we pray it.  I thought I would post my personal perspective to the different parts of the prayer as a way to refresh my memory on what the prayer means to me.

The first part says "God, grant me the serenity..."  To me, serenity is an inward confidence that God is in complete control of my life.  Everything that happens to me is either engineered by God is allowed by Him to bring Him glory and to bring about good in my life.  Serenity means I can have joy in the midst of any situation, good or bad, by resting in the Presence of Almighty God.  Life is full of troubles, trials, heartaches, sadness, temptations, distresses, problems..., but my serenity tells me that those things are simply tools used by God to bring about peace in my life.  Surrendering them to God is the first step to obtaining the Peace of God which Paul describes as surpassing all understanding.  I cannot be anxious about anything.

Lastly, it is important for me to remember that this serenity is granted by God.   It is not something I can generate myself through positive thinking or any other means.  In the face of difficult circumstances in life, I must moment by moment trust God to provide the serenity by His power.  I must remain in the Presence of God at all times, keeping my mind steadfastly focused on Him.  Only then will I know true Peace.