In recovery I have learned that “You are only as sick as your secrets”.
I have always had a strong sense of faith even from childhood. I enjoyed going to church, reading the Bible, and studying and thinking about religious and spiritual things. I still do. I am not exactly sure where all of that came from. I am sure some of it came from my mother who had us kids go to church fairly regularly when I was growing up. Some of it came from my own curiosity—things I had read or heard on television, radio programs, etc. One thing I am sure of is that deep in my heart I knew that God existed, that He loved me, and He implanted in my heart a desire to know Him and have a relationship with Him. I instinctively knew that before I was formally taught about it from God’s Word. I believe that is true for all of us.
However, I was also vividly aware of the apparent conflict between my spiritual desire and the desire of my flesh. The inordinate attractions I was feeling were in direct opposition to what I knew to be the Truth in my spirit. No one had to tell me that homosexuality was a sin—I knew it! Then I read Romans 1:18-32 for the first time. It was as if God through His Word was speaking directly to me about my own experience. I knew God had lead me to that passage of scripture. Just having the simple knowledge of the problem however, was not enough for me to overcome the sin in my life. So I struggled against it in my own strength, failing time and time again, almost always to the point of despair. My denial did not take the form of not believing I had a problem, but rather the form of feeling I could handle it on my own. That somehow I could be the master of the intense temptations that marked my life every day without fail. So instead of seeking help, I kept it to myself, away from family, friends, church, and later in life, even from my wife. There were periods of time when it even felt like I was keeping it from myself—maintaining a denial simply by pretending it wasn’t a problem and living a life cloaked in a shroud of deception. I struggled daily from childhood into adulthood with little or no success. Any success I had was fleeting and was the result of employing sheer willpower which ultimately was not enough. My self-will always sent me back to the desire of my flesh.
In my college years I got involved with a college ministry and soon discovered that I really did not have an understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I came to understand that I inherited a sinful nature just by being a part of the human race, a descendent of the first man, Adam. I came to understand that there was nothing in my power that could change that, and that my inclination was to sin. After hearing that message clearly for the first time, I accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior, trusting Him to forgive me of my sins through His shed bled and sacrificial death on the Cross, and to make me into a new person. He did just that. I knew I was saved. I knew I was a child of the Living God. But try as I might, the sexual sin in my life persisted. I began to realize in my own experience, the same experience Paul wrote about in Romans 7:14-25.
So I continued in denial for many years. When I got into a recovery program (at the recommendation of a dear friend and brother in Christ) and learned of the value of sharing with other believers the struggles and difficulties of life, I began to realize that the power of sin in my life began to weaken. There is a tremendous sense of freedom in allowing someone else to bear your burden with you just through the simple act of honestly sharing it with them. In the past guilt and shame kept me from sharing this fault of mine with anyone, even those closest to me. What powerful tools of the enemy are GUILT and SHAME! It takes a lot of courage for me to admit to anyone that I have a problem with anything. The sin of homosexuality in my life was especially difficult to share. Up until the time that I first shared about it in a group of believers in the recovery group, there was nothing in my life that even came close to being as difficult! Fear of rejection and ridicule can be so intense that it will keep you from sharing. However, the measure of freedom from my addiction and the strength I have found through being honest about my struggles, make the effort worth while.
I rely on God’s strength to live my life each and every day. There is no other way. I make a conscious decision each morning to surrender my life to Him. I am also committed to being as honest and open as possible about my struggles through accountability with other believers. Allowing the Light of God to shine brightly on all areas of my life is the true secret of FREEDOM. The road of life doesn’t always take the turns I think it should, but surrendering to and obeying God is the only way to experience God’s best. “Not my will, but His be done”.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Control?
Just yesterday, I was reminded that no matter how carefully and thoughtfully I plan my day, God sometimes has a few surprises for me which I believe are designed specifically to teach me something about myself or to grow me spiritually in some way. By all accounts the day was typical, until I arrived home for lunch to discover that the water heater in the garage was leaking. There was water in the garage closet where the water heater is located, on the floor of the garage, and I subsequently found water in the house in the closet of the master bathroom and into the bathroom. Needless to say, this situation produced a certain amount of anxiety on the one hand, but on the other hand, it gave me an opportunity to trust God, to put into practice letting God be in control of my life. So I proceeded to thank God for the situation and ask His guidance on how to respond. I called a professional plumbing company and was told that they would page a technician who would then call me. After about half an hour or so, I had not gotten a call. After cleaning up the bathroom and garage as much as possible and turning off the water, I had to go meet a friend and get back to work.
After finishing at work, I thought for certain that the company I had called would have called back, but they had not. When I called them again, I was told the same thing and after about another hour, I still had not received a phone call. Since it was Friday, I essentially gave up on getting this problem resolved before the weekend. When I had reached the point of giving up and throwing my hands in the air, I get a phone call. Of course it is the call I was awaiting. I explained the problem and was told that he could come out on Saturday morning and take care of replacing the heater for me.
After I got a little satisfaction from that exchange, I stepped on the floor in a certain part of the kitchen and noticed that the floor "gave way" and made a cracking sound. How does a tile floor "give way"? This happens if the adhesive underneath the tile is no longer effective and a "bubble" develops between the tile and the subfloor! At this point my stress level is pretty high, but I am still trying to trust God with all my might! I had recently read in a devotional I use for meditation that "...a life lived close to ME (Christ) will never be dull or predictable. Expect each day to contain surprises!" I read it at the time with sincerity, but had no idea it was going to be programmed into my life in such a real way.
In twelve-step recovery programs, the idea of control of one's life is talked about a lot. How easy it is to forget that God is ultimately sovereign in my life and He is in control. I do not know what each day will bring, but I do know that the safest place to be is by His side. The first three lines of the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...) convey several ideas one of which is that some things in life are simply not in my control. No matter how hard I may try I can never predict something like a water heater going "on the fritz" or my tile floor coming undone. These things simply happen and are a part of life. Taken to another level, I cannot control other people either. People are going to do what they make up their minds to do. I spent a lot of years thinking I could control others and make them do or behave in the way I wanted them to. Some people would allow themselves to be manipulated in one way or another and I would take advantage of that as a way to control them, but ultimately I could really never “make” them do anything. It produced more frustration in me than it did satisfaction.
So, how does all of this relate to the overall message of this blog? It is simply this: on those days when nothing is routine, nothing is going as it normally does, everything is unpredictable, when my life seems out of control, those are the times when I "acted out". It was a way to escape the madness of everything that was going on, to put it out of my mind and focus on something pleasurable. It was an attempt to be in control of something. Not being in control of my circumstances is an extremely uncomfortable place to be. When life is routine, I get lulled into a sense of security that is based on me thinking that I am in control, but when through life circumstances it becomes apparent that I am NOT in control, I am lost. I am learning to rely on Christ for my security in all situations, good or bad, so when the walls start tumbling down in life, I lean even harder on the God who never changes, the God of Peace who reminds me in Philippians 4:6-7 to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NASB)
After finishing at work, I thought for certain that the company I had called would have called back, but they had not. When I called them again, I was told the same thing and after about another hour, I still had not received a phone call. Since it was Friday, I essentially gave up on getting this problem resolved before the weekend. When I had reached the point of giving up and throwing my hands in the air, I get a phone call. Of course it is the call I was awaiting. I explained the problem and was told that he could come out on Saturday morning and take care of replacing the heater for me.
After I got a little satisfaction from that exchange, I stepped on the floor in a certain part of the kitchen and noticed that the floor "gave way" and made a cracking sound. How does a tile floor "give way"? This happens if the adhesive underneath the tile is no longer effective and a "bubble" develops between the tile and the subfloor! At this point my stress level is pretty high, but I am still trying to trust God with all my might! I had recently read in a devotional I use for meditation that "...a life lived close to ME (Christ) will never be dull or predictable. Expect each day to contain surprises!" I read it at the time with sincerity, but had no idea it was going to be programmed into my life in such a real way.
In twelve-step recovery programs, the idea of control of one's life is talked about a lot. How easy it is to forget that God is ultimately sovereign in my life and He is in control. I do not know what each day will bring, but I do know that the safest place to be is by His side. The first three lines of the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...) convey several ideas one of which is that some things in life are simply not in my control. No matter how hard I may try I can never predict something like a water heater going "on the fritz" or my tile floor coming undone. These things simply happen and are a part of life. Taken to another level, I cannot control other people either. People are going to do what they make up their minds to do. I spent a lot of years thinking I could control others and make them do or behave in the way I wanted them to. Some people would allow themselves to be manipulated in one way or another and I would take advantage of that as a way to control them, but ultimately I could really never “make” them do anything. It produced more frustration in me than it did satisfaction.
So, how does all of this relate to the overall message of this blog? It is simply this: on those days when nothing is routine, nothing is going as it normally does, everything is unpredictable, when my life seems out of control, those are the times when I "acted out". It was a way to escape the madness of everything that was going on, to put it out of my mind and focus on something pleasurable. It was an attempt to be in control of something. Not being in control of my circumstances is an extremely uncomfortable place to be. When life is routine, I get lulled into a sense of security that is based on me thinking that I am in control, but when through life circumstances it becomes apparent that I am NOT in control, I am lost. I am learning to rely on Christ for my security in all situations, good or bad, so when the walls start tumbling down in life, I lean even harder on the God who never changes, the God of Peace who reminds me in Philippians 4:6-7 to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (NASB)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I Believe...
I Believe…
What I believe already may be apparent from what you have read thus far. I believe in the same God who spoke into existence all that is, who moved across the face of the deep at Creation, who created the first man and the first woman, who parted the Red Sea for Moses and the children of Israel. My God is sovereign, holy, righteous, all-knowing, all-powerful, and present everywhere at the same time all of the time. He is bigger than even can be imagined. There are aspects of God I will never fully understand in this lifetime nor even in the life to come. God created me for His enjoyment and for me to fellowship with Him and to worship Him.
Jesus Christ is God! He is the Son of God who laid aside his privilege as God to come to earth as a man so that He could identify with each and every one of us (and that includes me). He chose to endure ridicule, taunting, torture, and ultimately death in order that he might satisfy the righteous judgment of a holy God on behalf of those who believe in Him and trust Him to save them (and that includes me). I am a child of that Living God. God loves me and accepts me only in Christ Jesus His Son. God speaks to me in my conscience, through His written Word, through other people, and in my heart and spirit by His Holy Spirit abiding in me and leading me into all Truth. The Holy Bible is God’s Word of Truth given to me for edification and encouragement, correction, judgment and instruction for living a life of holiness and truth. My God is Love!
God's Holy Word often requires something of me that I do not fully understand and that may be quite difficult. Just because I do not understand it fully or it is difficult to accept, doesn't mean somehow that it is wrong, that God is in error. I say with Paul that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It is true that there is nothing good in me; that is, in my flesh. Nothing! So I rely completely on Christ to accomplish in me what he requires of me. I believe that is what it means to be a Christian, to truly follow Christ.
I fully acknowledge my need for Him. I choose to allow Him lordship over my life. He indeed is my life. I am a Christian. This is what I believe.
What I believe already may be apparent from what you have read thus far. I believe in the same God who spoke into existence all that is, who moved across the face of the deep at Creation, who created the first man and the first woman, who parted the Red Sea for Moses and the children of Israel. My God is sovereign, holy, righteous, all-knowing, all-powerful, and present everywhere at the same time all of the time. He is bigger than even can be imagined. There are aspects of God I will never fully understand in this lifetime nor even in the life to come. God created me for His enjoyment and for me to fellowship with Him and to worship Him.
Jesus Christ is God! He is the Son of God who laid aside his privilege as God to come to earth as a man so that He could identify with each and every one of us (and that includes me). He chose to endure ridicule, taunting, torture, and ultimately death in order that he might satisfy the righteous judgment of a holy God on behalf of those who believe in Him and trust Him to save them (and that includes me). I am a child of that Living God. God loves me and accepts me only in Christ Jesus His Son. God speaks to me in my conscience, through His written Word, through other people, and in my heart and spirit by His Holy Spirit abiding in me and leading me into all Truth. The Holy Bible is God’s Word of Truth given to me for edification and encouragement, correction, judgment and instruction for living a life of holiness and truth. My God is Love!
God's Holy Word often requires something of me that I do not fully understand and that may be quite difficult. Just because I do not understand it fully or it is difficult to accept, doesn't mean somehow that it is wrong, that God is in error. I say with Paul that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It is true that there is nothing good in me; that is, in my flesh. Nothing! So I rely completely on Christ to accomplish in me what he requires of me. I believe that is what it means to be a Christian, to truly follow Christ.
I fully acknowledge my need for Him. I choose to allow Him lordship over my life. He indeed is my life. I am a Christian. This is what I believe.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The Beginning
There are a lot of voices in the world today. Political, social, economic, religious voices (to name a few) are all screaming loudly to gain an audience and a following. This can be very easily verified simply by going to any bookstore and observing the myriad of different opinions and viewpoints represented by the various literary offerings on the shelves. You can turn on the television and click through the channels to find even more varied topics to feast upon. Not a day goes by that I don't hear from the media about a lot of different opinions on government and politics, social and lifestyle issues, religion and spiritual concerns, and any number of other issues on which we crave perspective.
With such a wide array of perspectives on all of these issues, it is easy to become confused, or complacent, or even angry. All of those reactions can intensify (depending on your own personal views and to what extent you hold them) as the discussion and debate continues. Confusion, because of the sheer number of differing views. Complacency, because you may not care one way or another. Anger, because you hold a view strongly due to moral conviction and spiritual belief and you have grown tired of remaining silent while the whole world seemingly ignores the Truth. I think I fit in this last category!
My goal in this blog is to "put out there" what I believe is the "Voice of Truth" by sharing my voice in a variety of ways (personal experiences and recollections, my source of strength and hope, stories, etc.) with those who share my beliefs and to encourage those who can relate to my story. Regardless of why you are reading this blog, I hope that what you read here will inspire you to maintain your convictions in such a diverse and confusing world. If your view is different from mine, then I hope that you will approach these thoughts with an open mind.
Homosexuality and the so-called "homosexual agenda" have gotten a lot of attention in the mainstream and Christian media recently. The specific issues of gay marriage, same-sex unions, gays in the military and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" among others, have gotten a lot of media attention of late. Television programs, radio programs, internet sites, blogs, etc. have focused a lot of time and energy on these issues. Though my story is intensely personal, and generally I am a very private person, I am convinced that it is very important for me to add in a small way a little balance to the debate; hence, the current blog. I do this for no other reason than that I have a conviction in my spirit to do so, an urging to add a different perspective to what I believe is largely missing in a lot of the public debate: that there are people in this world (including me) who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, who based on their Christian beliefs view acting on those feelings as a sin, a moral transgression against the will of God. I know that particular view runs contrary to the contemporary mainstream cultural sentiment in the world today and this is precisely why I feel that my perspective will add some much needed balance to the discussion. In my opinion one of the reasons this perspective gets little or no attention from the media is that the world has its own agenda which is contrary to God's agenda and purposes. The world has been blinded by a deceptive spirit and will continue to be so as long as it is under the influence of the evil one.
I feel I can no longer remain silent about this issue. I hope it will become clear as you continue to read in the upcoming days, weeks, years, etc. that my view is uncompromising and based on an intensely personal faith in Jesus Christ. I make no apologies for what I believe. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and despite all of the struggles, failures, and hardships I have gone through and continue to go through, I know that He is the only true God and he is my God. I have a genuine personal and living relationship with Him. He offers forgiveness to me (and to you) in ALL areas of my life. He has the power to restore to me (and to you) a life of peace, joy, contentment, and love. It is because of the mercy, grace, and love of Christ that I have a measure of freedom from this type of bondage and deception. This blog is dedicated to Him.
With such a wide array of perspectives on all of these issues, it is easy to become confused, or complacent, or even angry. All of those reactions can intensify (depending on your own personal views and to what extent you hold them) as the discussion and debate continues. Confusion, because of the sheer number of differing views. Complacency, because you may not care one way or another. Anger, because you hold a view strongly due to moral conviction and spiritual belief and you have grown tired of remaining silent while the whole world seemingly ignores the Truth. I think I fit in this last category!
My goal in this blog is to "put out there" what I believe is the "Voice of Truth" by sharing my voice in a variety of ways (personal experiences and recollections, my source of strength and hope, stories, etc.) with those who share my beliefs and to encourage those who can relate to my story. Regardless of why you are reading this blog, I hope that what you read here will inspire you to maintain your convictions in such a diverse and confusing world. If your view is different from mine, then I hope that you will approach these thoughts with an open mind.
Homosexuality and the so-called "homosexual agenda" have gotten a lot of attention in the mainstream and Christian media recently. The specific issues of gay marriage, same-sex unions, gays in the military and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" among others, have gotten a lot of media attention of late. Television programs, radio programs, internet sites, blogs, etc. have focused a lot of time and energy on these issues. Though my story is intensely personal, and generally I am a very private person, I am convinced that it is very important for me to add in a small way a little balance to the debate; hence, the current blog. I do this for no other reason than that I have a conviction in my spirit to do so, an urging to add a different perspective to what I believe is largely missing in a lot of the public debate: that there are people in this world (including me) who struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, who based on their Christian beliefs view acting on those feelings as a sin, a moral transgression against the will of God. I know that particular view runs contrary to the contemporary mainstream cultural sentiment in the world today and this is precisely why I feel that my perspective will add some much needed balance to the discussion. In my opinion one of the reasons this perspective gets little or no attention from the media is that the world has its own agenda which is contrary to God's agenda and purposes. The world has been blinded by a deceptive spirit and will continue to be so as long as it is under the influence of the evil one.
I feel I can no longer remain silent about this issue. I hope it will become clear as you continue to read in the upcoming days, weeks, years, etc. that my view is uncompromising and based on an intensely personal faith in Jesus Christ. I make no apologies for what I believe. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and despite all of the struggles, failures, and hardships I have gone through and continue to go through, I know that He is the only true God and he is my God. I have a genuine personal and living relationship with Him. He offers forgiveness to me (and to you) in ALL areas of my life. He has the power to restore to me (and to you) a life of peace, joy, contentment, and love. It is because of the mercy, grace, and love of Christ that I have a measure of freedom from this type of bondage and deception. This blog is dedicated to Him.
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