Secrets

In recovery I have learned that “You are only as sick as your secrets”.

I have always had a strong sense of faith even from childhood.  I enjoyed going to church, reading the Bible, and studying and thinking about religious and spiritual things.  I still do.  I am not exactly sure where all of that came from.  I am sure some of it came from my mother who had us kids go to church fairly regularly when I was growing up.  Some of it came from my own curiosity—things I had read or heard on television, radio programs, etc.  One thing I am sure of is that deep in my heart I knew that God existed, that He loved me, and He implanted in my heart a desire to know Him and have a relationship with Him.  I instinctively knew that before I was formally taught about it from God’s Word.  I believe that is true for all of us.

However, I was also vividly aware of the apparent conflict between my spiritual desire and the desire of my flesh.  The inordinate attractions I was feeling were in direct opposition to what I knew to be the Truth in my spirit.  No one had to tell me that homosexuality was a sin—I knew it!  Then I read Romans 1:18-32 for the first time. It was as if God through His Word was speaking directly to me about my own experience.  I knew God had lead me to that passage of scripture.  Just having the simple knowledge of the problem however, was not enough for me to overcome the sin in my life.  So I struggled against it in my own strength, failing time and time again, almost always to the point of despair.  My denial did not take the form of not believing I had a problem, but rather the form of feeling I could handle it on my own.  That somehow I could be the master of the intense temptations that marked my life every day without fail.  So instead of seeking help, I kept it to myself, away from family, friends, church, and later in life, even from my wife.  There were periods of time when it even felt like I was keeping it from myself—maintaining a denial simply by pretending it wasn’t a problem and living a life cloaked in a shroud of deception.  I struggled daily from childhood into adulthood with little or no success.  Any success I had was fleeting and was the result of employing sheer willpower which ultimately was not enough.  My self-will always sent me back to the desire of my flesh.

In my college years I got involved with a college ministry and soon discovered that I really did not have an understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I came to understand that I inherited a sinful nature just by being a part of the human race, a descendent of the first man, Adam.  I came to understand that there was nothing in my power that could change that, and that my inclination was to sin.  After hearing that message clearly for the first time, I accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior, trusting Him to forgive me of my sins through His shed bled and sacrificial death on the Cross, and to make me into a new person.  He did just that. I knew I was saved. I knew I was a child of the Living God.  But try as I might, the sexual sin in my life persisted.  I began to realize in my own experience, the same experience Paul wrote about in Romans 7:14-25. 

So I continued in denial for many years.  When I got into a recovery program (at the recommendation of a dear friend and brother in Christ) and learned of the value of sharing with other believers the struggles and difficulties of life, I began to realize that the power of sin in my life began to weaken.  There is a tremendous sense of freedom in allowing someone else to bear your burden with you just through the simple act of honestly sharing it with them.  In the past guilt and shame kept me from sharing this fault of mine with anyone, even those closest to me.  What powerful tools of the enemy are GUILT and SHAME!  It takes a lot of courage for me to admit to anyone that I have a problem with anything.  The sin of homosexuality in my life was especially difficult to share.  Up until the time that I first shared about it in a group of believers in the recovery group, there was nothing in my life that even came close to being as difficult!  Fear of rejection and ridicule can be so intense that it will keep you from sharing.  However, the measure of freedom from my addiction and the strength I have found through being honest about my struggles, make the effort worth while. 

I rely on God’s strength to live my life each and every day.  There is no other way.  I make a conscious decision each morning to surrender my life to Him.  I am also committed to being as honest and open as possible about my struggles through accountability with other believers.  Allowing the Light of God to shine brightly on all areas of my life is the true secret of FREEDOM.  The road of life doesn’t always take the turns I think it should, but surrendering to and obeying God is the only way to experience God’s best. “Not my will, but His be done”.