"...for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:4-5, NASB)
Of the three things that are possible for me to change (my attitude, my my acceptance, and my actions) I believe what is most needed in my life is a change of attitude or mind. I need to pay closer attention to those things that quietly steal little pieces of my serenity without me hardly noticing. It can be something as simple as a passing thought that I allow to take residence in my mind before taking it "...captive to the obedience of Christ." Just yesterday a friend reminded me during a conversation about recovery that I cannot prevent a bird from flying over my head, but I certainly can stop it from nesting in my hair.
My thought life needs to change. On the one hand, I bemoan that I have to struggle with same-sex lust/attraction, but on the other hand I have to ask myself how diligent I have been in protecting my mind from the influences that are the source of those temptations. I need to make a conscious effort to intentionally change my thinking throughout each day. My mind set needs to be on Christ and the Holy Spirit. I need to be vigilant about what I allow to enter my mind through various media--TV especially, but also the Internet, radio, printed materials, and even conversations.
I need to pay closer attention to what is happening to me in a subtle way and how those things are affecting my state of mind. I have often had the experience of feeling unsettled in my spirit and not knowing why. I have noticed in most cases that by taking a quick inventory of recent events and my thought processes following those events, has shed light on how my peace was taken from me. More often than not, I would simply allow that feeling of unrest to persist through the day without ever realizing what it was that caused me to feel that way. What I accomplish through journaling each day, I need to apply mentally to circumstances in the heat of battle in the moment. I need to pay closer attention to what is going on.
This kind of change is not easy to do, and can even be scary, but I will trust in the Lord to give me His wisdom as I endeavor to make these adjustments in my walk with Him. As a friend so wisely pointed out, courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it. I will embrace this change of mind for a closer more intimate relationship with my Lord, Jesus Christ.
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