Talking with a friend today, I remembered what is was like to be full of guilt and shame over the sin and in my life and how difficult, even impossible, it was to look my wife or anyone else in the eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul. You can often discern a person's emotional state or state of mind simply by looking into their eyes. The hurt, disappointment, depression, joy, sadness, expectation, etc., can all be read in the eyes.
It was a simple thing really. As I was enjoying my lunch today with a good friend, I caught myself looking directly into his eyes as he was talking with me. In that moment, I realized that this was something that was relatively new for me. I remember being so overwhelmed with guilt and shame over my sin, that I could hardly look anyone in the eyes for fear they would see the real me in my gaze. The idea of someone being able to see my emotional insides, my true self, was scary; it still can be at times. I remember the day I confessed my faults to my wife and the feeling of freedom that came with that. I also remember afterward for the first time in a long time, being able to look her in the eyes without having to turn away.
What a tremendous gift I was given back through the simple act of confession. Freedom for me is being exactly who I am without trying to hide certain parts of my true self and at the same time surrendering my life to the Giver of Life, my Lord and Savior Jesus the Christ. I try to do this each week as I share my struggles and difficulties in my accountability group that meets on Saturday mornings and in Celebrate Recovery. It still makes me feel uncomfortable and very vulnerable, but I share because of what I get in return. My life stays in the light (the good, the bad, and the ugly). What I get back is freedom; freedom from self, freedom from sin, freedom from the old patterns of denial, guilt, and shame. I also get freedom to worship God, freedom to fellowship with God, freedom to fellowship with other believers, and freedom to be the real me, the person God created me to be.
As I interact with family, friends, anyone, I can look them in the eyes without fear of what they will see as they look into my eyes. Whatever was in my life that I was ashamed of, has been forgiven by the Creator. Not only is it forgiven, but also, it is has been cleansed away by the blood of Christ. The best gift however is knowing that I can gaze into the eyes of Jesus boldly and enjoy fellowship with Him. God sees me through the filter of Jesus and because of that I need not turn away in shame as I look intently into His eyes for help in time of need.
Lord, help me to stay honest with you so I can continue to look into your eyes for solace, comfort, and strength.
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